Chasing the Numbers

Living in a Body

Chasing the Numbers

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Chasing the Numbers

Episode 61 -- Killing it on TikTok

Hal Walker

Jun 17, 2023

Transcript

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Hi. I’m glad you’re here. After this episode, I’ll be taking a bit of a summer break from “Living in a Body.” In the meantime, I encourage you to get caught up on all the episodes you missed. As usual, click PLAY above to hear the podcast version of this episode. Thank you! Hal

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Chasing the Numbers

My granny used to always say "Set a date and it will come," But I've also heard it said that "a watched pot never boils." I guess, in this instance, my grandmother was right. I've been looking forward to this day for a whole week now and it's finally here. It took forever, but the watched pot did finally boil and Tuesday has arrived.

On last Wednesday, it was so far away that it seemed like forever. On Friday, I was coaching myself, "Just four more days, Hal. You can do it." On Sunday, I was white knuckling it, “Hold off, Buddy. Tuesday's just around the corner." On Monday, the anticipation continued to build and this morning, it's finally here. Tuesday has arrived. In hopes of savoring every moment, I've decided to put it off until after lunch. My plan is to sit out on the front porch and to soak in it for at least a half hour.

I'm embarrassed to tell you the cause for all this waiting. You’d think I would’ve outgrown this by now. But, since I tell you 85 percent of everything, here we go. This afternoon, for the first time in a full week, I'll be checking my notifications on TikTok. After a self-imposed week-long fast from it, I'll be opening the app and reviewing the numbers. I'll check the numbers of views, comments, mentions and dollars that I've received since last Tuesday. I'm expecting these numbers to be very large in each of the categories -- millions of views, thousands of comments and many hundreds of dollars. I'm expecting at least several minutes of great pleasure in this review process but I'm also predicting that it will be followed by a let down, a kind of disappointment. No matter how high the numbers are, they're just digits on a screen. They'll never be high enough to solve my loneliness problem, to fix my chronic illness situation or to fill that God-sized hole in me. The pleasure will be fleeting. It's a feeling that I've gotten quite used to in this TikTok game of chasing the numbers. The creators of the app have succeeded in keeping me coming back for more.

The story begins in May of 2019 at an elementary school gymnasium. I was giving a music assembly to third, fourth and fifth graders. After sharing a carload of musical instruments that “fit in your pocket” and teaching the students to play the ancient hand whistle, I took questions from the audience. One fifth grader stood up and asked, "Are you on TikTok?" At the time, I had no idea what TikTok was, so I replied, "No, I’m not." She said very matter-of-factly, "You should be." After the assembly, with a group of 5th graders huddled around me in a pre-pandemic cluster, I promised to sign up for the new app. The fifth graders promised that they would “follow” my account and that they’d "like" my videos.

Glowing from a full day of connecting with elementary school students, I returned home that afternoon with big hopes for viral success. The insecure fifth grader in me imagined that after all these years, I'd finally get to be one of the popular kids. On May 19, 2019 , I downloaded TikTok and uploaded my first video. I sang, “I’m off the deep end. Watch as I dive in. I’ll never meet the ground.”

@banakula My first tictok. #foryou #shallow #firstvideo #folksinger

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By the end of the evening, I had gained 20 fifth grade followers, the video had reached 50 views and I had entered the world of chasing numbers on TikTok.

It wasn't until January of 2020 that I had my first experience of going viral. I'll never forget the excitement of watching the view numbers soar for the very first time. I'd never seen numbers like that before on Facebook. Every time I'd refresh the screen, the video would jump another thousand views. Watching the numbers go up that fast was like a drug and I was the addict shooting it into my veins. I just kept wanting more of the same. In every lull of the day, I would reach for my phone in search of another hit. My sponsor at the time questioned whether this was healthy for a guy like me, but I justified my behavior and I swept his questions off to the side. I'd been waiting my whole life for my music to have this kind of reach and I wasn't gonna let anything get in the way of my new found success.

Four years later, I'm still killing it on TikTok. In total, I've posted 1300 videos. I have two and a half million followers and my content has been viewed about three quarters of a billion times. As a result of all that success, I've reached for my phone to check my notifications a sickening number of thousands of times, each time with the same results — a momentary rush followed by a subtle form of dissatisfaction and wanting more. A week ago, I admitted once again that the checking was getting out of hand, so my sponsor suggested that I take a week off. I was afraid of the suggestion, but in a moment of spiritual yearning, I embraced it. My plan was to continue the creative process of video making, but for a full week, I would not be looking at the numbers. In spite of my impatience for the week to pass, it’s been a great lesson. I am once again painfully aware of my perpetual urge to escape this reality. Living with chronic illness, I crave the momentary relief that the numbers offer. But I’m always left with the post-notification let down, that feeling of emptiness that chasing numbers brings. For this one week, I was free of that cycle.

As I’ve been eagerly awaiting my return to the notification screen, I've been planning a more weighed and measured approach to the whole thing. I’m quite happy with the idea of opening the app once a day for a few minutes of scrolling, checking numbers and connecting with my audience. With strong resolve and the help of my highest power, I fully intend to take a more life giving approach to this world of sharing my music on TikTok. One day at a time, there will no more checking numbers all day long and scrolling my “for you” page into the night.

TikTok was in its heyday when I joined in 2019. I felt like I was joining an amazing homegrown community of artists — musicians, dancers, comedians and actors all coming together to put on the most amazing talent show in history. But over time, things have changed. Hollywood and big corporations discovered the app and the sense of community got lost. Just a month ago, I'd pretty much given up on TikTok. My views were down, the creator fund that I was a part of was paying me just pennies a day and my “for you” page was full of viral videos that pulled me in but didn’t feed my soul. My own role as a musical sensation on the app was fading and I was convinced that the age of @banakula (my TikTok handle) was over.

Then I got a notification that I was eligible for something called the Creativity Beta program. After doing some research, I learned that the Beta program pays its creators a much higher price per view than the Creator Fund. But there's one major stipulation. You only get paid for videos that are at least a minute long. In competition with YouTube, for the first time ever, TikTok is promoting long form video. In 2020, I became a master of the 15 second video. I learned to grab the viewers attention fast and I didn't need to hold it long for my videos to go viral. I had some incredible success with short videos, but my approach was no longer working. Even though I was continuing to enjoy the creative process, in the numbers game, my short videos were flopping. I was losing interest, so I thought, "Maybe I should give this Beta program a try. What do I have to lose?" Understanding that once you leave the Creator Fund, there's no option to return, I decided to take the risk. Two weeks ago, I joined the Creativity Beta program. Ever since then, I’ve been on fire. I got out my higher quality camera, I began filming in the best light possible and I started creating videos that were at least a minute long. TikTok has been loving it.

As is always the case, Tuesday afternoon came and went. It’s now a couple weeks later and I’ve successfully been opening the app just once a day. I’m grateful for these new boundaries. They seem to be working for my benefit. The numbers for today were as follows: In the last 28 days, I've posted 27 videos that were each longer than 60 seconds. I've received 42 million views on those videos, 76,000 comments, 4.6 million likes and more than 5000 dollars. As I said before, I'm killing it on TikTok.

All the while, I'm still living in this body. Last Saturday, I experienced a crash, or a worsening of symptoms, that has me very concerned. I’m terrified that this is gonna be my new normal. My success on TikTok is so insignificant compared to the failure of my physical body. I would give away all the views, all the follows and all the money, just to feel good in my body again. I’m so proud of Hallie who’s been enjoying doing CrossFit in Brooklyn, but I’m so jealous. I wanna do CrossFit. Of course, I’d even settle for a nice long walk around the block. Earlier today, I was crying out to God. I said, “Ease up on me, God. C’mon, ease up on me.”

I’m grateful for the creative spirit in me that just won’t stop. I keep facing greater limitations but I keep showing up for the process. I admit that once a day, I’m still chasing numbers on TikTok. I’m looking for relief in a place that can’t sustain my needs. But at least I’m not doing it many times a day. I guess we can call that progress.

Thank you so much for being here and for giving me your attention. I’m so grateful. I’m gonna be take a little break for a few weeks in hopes of regaining some strength after this crash. My family will be spending some time together in a big house on Lake Erie. Let’s hope that does me some good. I’ll be praying for acceptance and for guidance through these difficult times. And right now, I’m sending you all the love, all my best wishes and all the good things in life. Enjoy living in that body of yours. And until next time. Bye. ❤️ Hal