From the Float Tank 1

Personal Message and WKSU feature - July 5th at 9 am EDT

Hal Walker

Jul 02, 2022

Hi. Due to my health, I’m taking a break from writing this week. Due to the nature of ME/CFS, I have no idea how long this break will have to last. Today, I’m sending a personal message from the float tank which includes an important announcement.

WKSU Features Hal and ME/CFS

This Tuesday, WKSU is doing a half hour feature on ME/CFS and my experience with the illness.

Tuesday, July 5 at 9:00 am EDT

Listen live on 89.7 or online at IDEASTREAM.ORG - The show is called “Sound of Ideas.”

From the Float Tank

Hi, I'm in the float tank.

I'm taking a week off this week. I may be taking several weeks off from my episodes. But I want to stay in touch with you and this it seems like the easiest way to do it.

In the last week, I've experienced several crashes which have put me in a very severe state of illness. It’s been very frightening. I'm most mostly bedridden, definitely housebound. And in a lot of discomfort. Oh, there's my cat. Willy! Meow meow. You also got a good view of the toilet there.

I just want to say a few things.

Amazingly, no matter how hard this is, I seem to have the tools to deal with it. I mean, it's really hard. I've been questioning my ability to survive this, it’s so hard. I'm in so much discomfort and I'm in — I mean, just the simplest tasks are very difficult. Like holding this phone up. I should have a stand, but the tools I have are sisters. My sister Julie's there, like five or 10 times a day. Thanks, Julie. Johanna and KK also are there, when I need them. But Julie has kind of been my coach through some of this, and thank you, Julie.

My only job is to survive and to take care of myself.

You know, I don't understand it. I do not understand. I'm Hal Walker. I've got 1.7 million followers on TikTok. And over ... how many? ... over 135,000 followers on Instagram. I mean, come on. I'm blowing up on Instagram right now. I'm blowing up! They're all wantin’ to collab with me every day. I get direct messages. “Dude. I want to collab! I want to collab!”

It's unbelievable. Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Here's what I want to say. On Tuesday, July the 5th, I'm going to be on the radio. NPR is doing a show. My friend Jeff St. Clair’s put together a half-hour piece on myself and ME/CFS myalgic encephalitis Cephalo-fuckin-myelitis / Chronic-fuck you-Fatigue Syndrome. And I hope you'll tune in. I'm gonna leave a link. If you're not local, you can listen online. It’s going to be, I believe, at 9am on Tuesday morning, July the 5th.

But this illness is real. And I've got it. Dammit. And it sucks. And I have a lot of other work that I would much rather be doing. I mean, I got so much work I got to do. I got hard drives full of unfinished material to work on. And I got a book to write, and song books to write, and but I'm not doing any of it right now. I'm not strong enough to type at the typewriter or on my iPad. I am using Ativan... well, I'm using some different medications, but Ativan - .5 milligrams of Ativan. I took it for the first time yesterday - the first time in a while - and it cut the edge. It really helped me through the day. I didn't take it today, and it was a lot harder. It's a very small dosage, but it's a controlled substance, and I have to be very cautious with it. So I'm not sure whether I'm going to do it every other day, or every third day, or whether I should just feel the discomfort, and learn, and practice surrendering.

I was just in my float tank, and it's intense. When I surrender to the fatigue, how deep the fatigue is. It's frighteningly deep. It's like I ... here’s my float tank ... I'm in there, and it's pitch black. And I float and I surrender to the fatigue and it is scary. It is scary how deep the fatigue is. I mean, my whole body, including my breathing and my brain, is just deeply, deeply fatigued.

I think I have a friend here for dinner now.

And I think that may be all I want to say other than just ... I love you, I care about you. Here's what you can say to me - “Dude, we believe in you. You’ve got to survive one day at a time. It's not going to be easy. But this too shall pass."

Feel free to send me messages of encouragement. Because even though I look all smiles, even though I'm laughing and I look all smiley, I'm almost too weak to cry. And I just just floated for an hour, so maybe I'm feeling a little bit of a ... And of course, you put the camera on me and I always come to life.

But thanks so much for for listening. Thanks for subscribing. I'm still living in a body. I wasn't able to produce an episode this week. But I'm still living in a body, just like you. And hopefully ... hopefully, I'll be living in a body next week.

And I'll tell you, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you. If you have the ability to walk downtown, to go around the block, to go on a bike ride. I'm jealous. However, I'm also celebrating you. I'm celebrating you, and the strength that you have. And I'm really wanting to… you to know that jealousy is not helpful. But I saw this guy ride his bike down past my house the other day. I was like, Oh my god. That looks so fun. You have no idea how fun that would be to go on a walk. To go on a bike ride. To even just ride my scooter? Oh my god. Even just to go up and down the stairs right now.

Anyway, that's my story. That's my Living in a Body story for the week. Thank you. All right.

Oh, yeah, a lot of people say “Oh, I'm so sorry.” When I tell them my story. “I'm so sorry.” I don't find it particularly helpful. I don't find it particularly helpful. I'd rather hear “Dude, what an opportunity. You got to take hold of it. It is time to grow up, Hal! It is time to grow up and and you've got a great opportunity here.” Fuck. But you can also say you're sorry, but I just don't find it all that helpful, as I was saying.

Thanks for listening. Bye bye. See you next time.