From the Float Tank 2

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From the Float Tank 2

Now is Not Forever

Hal Walker

Jul 16, 2022

Hi. I’ve started a new video series in “Living in a Body” called “From the Float Tank.” These video posts are excerpts from the videos that I record after my daily late afternoon session in the float tank. The text below is a transcription of the video.
A float tank holds 10 inches of skin temperature epsom salt solution. I climb in, shut the door and then float on my back in the pitch black and total silence. These are my thoughts during and after the float.

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Warning: Today’s episode includes a video display of overwhelming grief. I include this because grief is such a real part of living in this body with this illness. It’s such a real part of the human experience. The display of grief happens from 1:00-3:30 in the video.

Monday
Every day that I'm in the float tank, I usually have some kind of realization or I come to some sort of an epiphany. And I'll tell you what today was. It was lighten up. Lighten up, Hal. Then I start laughing. It was a very heavy, heavy half hour session in there. I was intensely fatigued. I went in and almost couldn't bear the depth of the fatigue. But then afterwards, after the half hour, I was just floating around in there and I just felt a lightness. Or else, I encouraged myself to lighten up and I started laughing. I've been laughing for the last five minutes or so. That's all I have for now. I'll keep recording these. Alright, bye.

Tuesday
Hi. (Crying) I want to talk about grief. I've been overwhelmed with grief today. I don't know what else to say. I have alot to say. I'll write it. I'm overwhelmed with physical symptoms... and grief and I'm ashamed of the grief. I want to be putting out a positive message.

I want to be putting out a positive message but I'm overwhelmed with grief. I've been crying a lot today. I called the crisis hotline and cried for like 15 minutes. I called my sister and cried. I called a friend and cried. The grief symptoms are usually worse when my physical symptoms are worse and today's been a rough day. My ears are ringing very loud and I never know how long it's going to stay. I never know how long it's going to stay this bad.

So today is a day overwhelming grief. This fucking illness. But I gotta say I'm proud of myself. Cuz I'm going through the grief. I'm going right through the hell of it. All right, I think that'll be all. On a lighter note, I crave external love and validation. I'm sitting here all by myself at my house and I just put these posts out and just have no sense if anyone's listening to them or maybe this is too much for some people. I appreciate you listening in. That's all for now.

Wednesday
Hi, it's Wednesday. And I'm getting out of the float tank and I love it in my float tank. I'm so grateful for this float tank. I wake up most mornings in a bit of a panic like, "oh my God." I come out of the dream state after a rough night… but then late afternoon I get in the float tank and I get calm

And sometimes I smile and laugh and I don't really want to get out. I've got nowhere to go. I mean I got nothing to do. I got nothing to do. I am grateful I'm going into a 12 step meeting tonight at 7:00. I go to a meeting every day on Zoom or on the phone. I have people to call, but I've got no assignments.. no deadlines. I guess my only deadline is this Saturday Substack that I'm not even writing for.

Thursday
Hey, there are several things I want to share. One thing — now is not forever. You know, last night I woke up in the middle of the night and I had soaked through my clothes with sweat. My ears were blaring and I was terrified. You know, I'm scared. I'm scared of this illness. But I survived the day, and here I am in my float tank floating around breathing in love. I was taking deep breaths of love just imagining the hearts. The hearts coming in. My whole body filling up with a heart.

So um, you know something else I want to share. I just have a bunch of thoughts in my mind. I was in there having all kinds of ideas. I actually rushed out after my half hour meditation bell, I rushed out to tell you guys all these things.

What a difference it makes when I get to do some work. Like today, I was really sick laying in bed — another 15 minutes. And I decided I'm gonna get up and do something. I'm going to work on my Substack for 15 minutes. I'm going to work on segment for my Body of Work. And I got up and I did it. And then I laid back down and it made such a difference just working a little bit. It's got to happen in small sections. But what a difference it makes, It reminds me that in my program, my 12 Step Program, which is called FA, we say put recovery first in terms of priorities. Recovery first, then family, then work. Well, my fatal flaw has always been that I've put work first. Work has been my priority -- building the Hal Walker enterprise has been my priority. And it got in the way of family and it got in the way of recovery. And, you know, if I have to say a blessing that came out of this illness is that I know what it means now to put recovery first. That's all I got. All I got is recovery and recovery in broad terms means basically my relationship with myself and my higher power and the way I take care of myself. You know, it's the radical self care that I'm here to do. And when I do that I can be available to my family and the work that I do can be more based in goodness. Anyway, I'm coming out of the float tank. My ears are ringing super loud. I hate it. You know, last night was kind of traumatic, but now is not forever. You know it moves on.

Friday

My realization today is a 12 step concept. Like, I can't do it, I can't change myself. Left to my own devices, I am in fear and panic and self pity and self centered fear. But there's a power greater than myself, the great mystery, the highest part of myself, the highest power that can relieve me of the insanity of my negative thinking. And I choose to turn my will and my life over to that power, that power of goodness, that power that knows how to love, that power that knows how to be present and is unafraid. And it all sounds pretty good coming out of my mouth. But I'm scared everybody. It's been a rough day, but thank God for this float tank. All right, that's all love you. Bye.