Hi. I’m Hal and this is Living in a Body. Please click the play button above to listen to the podcast version of this publication. It includes original music played on the RAV drum! Also, I’d love it if you’d share this post with one friend. Thanks!!
Alphabet of Gratitude, Part One
As we approach this season of Thanksgiving, I’ve decided to write an extended alphabet of gratitude. Over the next three weeks, from letter “A” to letter “Z,” these are some of the things for which I’m grateful. Today, we’ll cover the first third of the alphabet —from “A” to “I.” Please feel free to share your A-I gratitude list in the comments.
A for Apples
What better place to start an alphabet of gratitude than with apples! Each week at the Haymaker Farmers Market, I buy a half peck of honey crisp apples from the Woolf's Apple farm. At seven apples for seven dollars, my mom would say they're a bit pricey. But I know that when I buy local food, it makes me feel good. It’s such an easy way to support a cause that I truly believe in. Plus, the apples taste so much better than the ones I buy at Giant Eagle. The Woolf's are an actual family that bring their apples to market in big wooden boxes. Then they fit them nicely into half peck cartons. I generally eat one a day, so I look for the medium sized apples -- not too big and not too small. Sometimes I slice an apple like a loaf of bread and I take sweet little bites from each slice in a circle around the core. It's apple season in Ohio and I'm grateful.
B for the Blaze
I may be a Pisces, but I've got a fire burning on the inside. I recently heard it referred to as the "blaze." It's that inner urge to create. It's the writer in me yearning to put the story into words on the page. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed or soaking in a bath when the idea strikes. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, the blaze takes over. At my laptop, I speak the words out loud like I’m solving a spoken word puzzle. And sometimes the piece starts to write itself. The blaze is a combination of love, loss, joy, grief and wonder and it's light reaches far beyond that little boy in me with his insatiable search for approval. Sometimes, the words I write touch a glimmer of the truth. I'm grateful for the blaze in me that burns.
C for Caroline
I called my sister the other night when I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown. She was out walking her dog, Bogie. Once again, she picked up the phone and listened to her brother spill out the anguish of living with ME/CFS. "I don't know if I can handle it, KK." With all the steadiness of the wise woman that she is, Caroline listened. She consoled me with great sisterly compassion. When I apologized for my tears, she made it very clear that I'm her brother and that she's there for me. The way she responded reminds me of a song I wrote for my dad at his death. The song goes, "The way you held me when I was crying. The way you said 'I'm here for you, son.' That's the reason why I love you so bad. You're my home, dad." I'm grateful for Caroline. She’s my home. She reminds me of my dad. She believes in me and she keeps telling me how strong I am. But I'll tell you the truth -- Caroline's the strong one.
D for Doors
I live in a beautiful old foursquare home that was built in 1914. Even the doors were made in 1914. Can you believe it? These doors are over 100 years old. They're solid, heavy and oak and they still open and close just as smooth as they did in the 1920's. The hinges have never needed a drop of oil. I'm grateful for these doors.
The house also has some grand pocket doors that separate the dining room from the downstairs entryway. Unfortunately, one of the pocket doors has been off the track since we moved in, so I usually keep them tucked away. But when I really want to show off the house, I use a little muscle to pull out both doors. They never fail to impress. Oh, and did I mention the hard oak floors with the inlaid cherry highlights? Yep. We were happy to discover that underneath the wall to wall carpeting when we moved in to the place. They don't make houses like they used to. I’m so grateful for this one.
E for Energy
Here's some irony for you. I'm a highly energetic person who thrives on energy but who lives with a chronic and debilitating deficiency of energy. The essential problem of ME/CFS is a failure of the body's energy system. Studies have shown that the mitochondria in ME/CFS patients don't work the way they're supposed to. When for healthy people, exertion of energy makes them stronger, for patients of ME/CFS, exertion of any kind can make us sicker. Today, I'm grateful for every little ounce of energy that I'm given. I'm grateful to type these words and to be able to raise my arms above my head. I'm grateful that I've been walking up and down the stairs lately without the use of my chair lift. Living with ME/CFS, it no longer makes sense for me to take energy for granted. My prayer is to be content with the energy that I have and to use it wisely. I’m grateful for this energy.
F for Float Tank
The first time I ever got into a float tank was in Boulder, Colorado. I knew instantly that I wanted one of these things in my home. But where would I possibly put it? I mean, float tanks are practically as big as a small car... or a large coffin. I found a float tank for sale in St. Paul, Minnesota and I asked the owner to send me the dimensions. Miraculously, at four feet by eight feet, this "Samadhi" tank would fit perfectly in my walk-in closet — the closet that shares a wall with my upstairs bathroom. All I'd need to do would be to knock a hole in the wall, put in a small door and rent a u-haul to drive this thing back from St. Paul. So, that's exactly what I did. Then I loaded it piece by piece through the second floor closet window.
The float tank is my daily retreat into the womb. It's warm, quiet and pitch black. Ten inches of skin temperature water and 500 lbs of epsom salt soothe my chronically exhausted body. I go there every afternoon for deep rest. To tell you the truth, I'm thinking about spending the whole winter in my float tank. If you don't hear from me in the next few months, you know where I'll be. But please, be sure to come get me in March for my birthday. I'm grateful for my float tank. Believe it or not, it got me quoted in the Wall Street Journal in the luxury homes section of the newspaper. Read the article here.
“Other float aficionados are taking a more budget-savvy approach. This summer, musician Hal Walker installed a used commercial tank made by Samadhi in a large closet behind the master bathroom in his Kent, Ohio, home. Mr. Walker, who is 52, paid $7,000 for the tank, which retails for around $14,000, and spent another $5,000 on installation and upgrades, including a more heat-efficient window. ‘It’s worth it.’ said Walker” - Wall Street Journal, Luxury Homes
G for the Game of Go
Every Wednesday night this fall, I've been going down to the Last Exit Bookstore to play Go with my friend David. He beats me almost every time, but we've gotten to be good friends around the game. We carry with us into town a humble board with 361 intersections and bamboo containers of black and white stones… and then we battle. Go is a complex game of war that takes an hour to learn and several lifetimes to master. Having played it for many years, I'm often frustrated at how slowly the mastering seems to be happening for me, but it's a great way to spend an evening with a friend. I'm grateful for the game of Go and I'm grateful for my friend David. He and I are well matched. I usually have a good start to the game and then somewhere along the way, I get greedy. I try to take too much and I end up losing everything. It's true what they say, "As in Go... the same in life." Someday I'll learn my lesson.
H for Hallie
Believe it or not, I've got social anxiety. The farmer's market is my one big social event of the week and I find it to be quite challenging. I'm embarrassed to admit that there's always a part of me that hopes that I don't run into anyone I know. Last Saturday though, I had a wingman -- my daughter, Hallie. With Hallie by my side, I was much more at ease. I wasn't as self-conscious riding in my wheelchair and I wasn't as nervous about running into people that I know. When we found ourselves in a social circle, Hallie held her own so nicely that it took the pressure off of me. I'm so grateful for Hallie.
But she's so much more than a wingman. She's a shining light in my life. Hallie visited from Brooklyn last weekend and we had such a nice time together. I picked her up at the airport. We went out to dinner. We watched a movie. We played Yahtzee. We learned the chorus of a song together and I even got to give her a lesson in playing the khaen. By the way, the video of us playing the khaen together has 750k views on TikTok right now. On Monday, I took her back to the airport. I said, "I love you, Hallie" and she walked off with her backpack to catch her plane. I love being Hallie's dad.
I for Income
The timing couldn't have been better. As you probably know by now, in 2021, my health took a severe turn for the worse. Since then, I’ve lost my ability to do the work that I’d been doing for the last 25 years. Fortunately though, right before all this happened, my song Low Key Gliding became a viral hit on TikTok. I collaborated with a couple music producers and we made a couple “remixes” of Low Key Gliding that have been streamed millions of times on streaming services like Spotify. Thanks to the success of these remixes, I have a pretty good regular income while I lie here in bed. I’m so grateful for the income.
I’m also grateful for those of you who have chosen to become paid subscribers of this publication. If you haven’t upgraded yet, I encourage you to consider it. The benefit that I offer is that you get to feel the satisfaction of supporting me in this writing endeavor that I’ve embarked upon. Though it only shows up in your email about once a week, I’m working very hard behind the scenes. I’ve turned this venture into at least a half time job. But I’m grateful for the work. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I’d do without it. Whether or not you’re a paid subscriber, thank you so much for your reading. I’m really grateful that you’re here.
That’s episode 41 for you. Next week, we’ll go from J to R and the week after that, we’ll go from Q to Z. That’s gonna be a tough one. I mean what starts with Z? I’m gonna have get a dictionary out for that one. Have a great Saturday everybody. Happy Thanksgiving and don’t forget to enjoy living in that body of yours. Again, I invite you to leave your own gratitude list in the comments. This week’s letters are “A” through “I.” ❤️ Hal
Alphabet of Gratitude, Part One