Searching for a Peace Sign

Living in a Body

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Searching for a Peace Sign

Episode 26 -- And Using the Tool of the Telephone

Hal Walker

Aug 06, 2022

Hi. I’m Hal. I’m living with moderately severe ME/CFS. Fifteen minutes at a time, I wrote this post over the course of a week. I’m so grateful for this outlet to express myself and I’m so grateful for your caring attention. Please feel free to share.

Searching for a Peace Sign

I haven’t been doing much traveling lately. But last night, I dreamed that I was on a bicycle trip with my sister and my daughter. We were in a bakery and I was tasting all the muffins before deciding which one to buy. Surprisingly, I went with the lemon poppyseed muffin. Just to be clear, I am NOT a fan of lemon poppyseed muffins. Before I could dive into the muffin though and before I could get back on the bike, I woke up into a body that is “housebound and mostly bedridden.” My current life circumstances do not include travel.

I’m grateful that I’m still able to travel by foot from my bed to the bathroom. I’m glad that every evening, I travel by stairlift to the first floor of the house. It’s there that Mango gives me my nightly massage. After the massage, I’m grateful to travel by wheelchair to the back porch and then to the front porch. I roll out onto each porch, look up at the sky and with a certain amount of bewilderment, I ask the great mystery, I say, “God, if you think I can survive this, please show me how.” On these daily travels, I rarely see other travelers. Mango is certainly a friendly face to run into, but calling us “travelers” here in my own house is a bit of a stretch.

In my previous life, I traveled all the time. I traveled in the car to Cleveland three or four times a week. I loved traveling on my Yamaha Vino 125 all over Kent and Stow. Every once in a while, I’d travel on a plane to see my dear sisters out West. I remember with great fondness traveling on several road trips with Kim — Ithaca, Ann Arbor, Chicago, Southern Ohio. And Hallie and I once travelled to New York City together to see some Broadway shows. By the way, I would give anything to jump in my car right now and drive all night long to Brooklyn just to spend a day wandering around that city with my daughter. On my many travels, there were days when I would pass hundreds or even thousands of fellow travelers — mostly hidden behind car glass and social norms, but I knew they were there — traveling right along beside me on the highway.

When Hallie and her friends were young, as passengers in the back seat of my Toyota, they made a game out of getting a peace sign from the cars that we would pass. The children would put their little “peace signs” up to the window and wait for a reaction from the fellow travelers. I remember well the moments of anticipation and fear — the not knowing what kind of response the stranger might have. Whenever they would get a peace sign back, an explosion of cheers from the back seat would release all the tension. “Yay! We got a Peace sign!” For a moment, something shifted in the world. For a moment, we witnessed peace between strangers. For a moment, we broke through the walls of isolation and social norms and made a connection.

As Hallie’s gang moved out of their undeniably cute phase, teenage self-consciousness made the game even scarier. “Searching for a Peace Sign” eventually faded into childhood history. On our drives, I continued to encourage teenaged Hallie to go in search of a peace sign, but she would say, “No Daddy… it’s too scary.” I can relate. As an adult, waiting at a stop light, I would avoid all eye contact with the people in the cars next to me. In fact, if I was ever caught unconsciously staring at someone, I would quickly look away. At my age, in this day and age, the thought of putting up a peace sign in hopes of a response is just too radical. There must be a more comfortable way to create peace in the world.

I gotta tell you. I have some serious challenges, but I live in a bubble of privilege and luxury. I have a full-time caretaker in a big mansion over here on South Chestnut Street in Kent. Besides the constant ringing in my ears, the burning in my chest and the churning in my brain, it’s very peaceful and quiet in my home — no wife driving me crazy, no kids getting on my nerves — just a mildly annoying old cat who meows like a duck. I can look out over my own peaceful vegetable garden, I sometimes lie down in my own peaceful yoga room and I even have my own peaceful float tank that’s connected to my own peaceful bathroom. In my little bubble of a world, I am surrounded by comfort and peace.

But my dad would frequently remind me that Peace is more than my own comfort. Peace happens in relationship. Creating peace in the world means getting out of the float tank, building relationship and being of service. For a guy like me, living with severe illness, it’s not easy.

Take today, for instance. my friend Steve called to ask if I’d like a couple of old high school buddies to stop by for a visit on the front porch. With his call, Steve was putting up the proverbial peace sign. This was my big opportunity! Almost immediately though, my body tensed up with questions. How will I explain that truly I am mostly bedridden? How do I explain that my visit will probably have to last no more than 15 minutes? How do I explain that I follow a very specific food plan, I only drink water and there are no special treats that you can bring that would give me any extra enjoyment? Steve is getting back to me later so I’ll be able to ask for what I need, but in the moment, I was very hesitant to respond with my own peace sign.

The 12-step program in which I’m active offers me an excellent way to put up my little peace sign all around the world. There are 10 tools in the program. It’s suggested that we “work” every tool, every day. The tools are actions like writing, sponsor, meetings, quiet time, service etc. One of my favorite (and most challenging) tools is the tool of the telephone. It’s suggested that we make at least three connections a day by phone with other fellows.

On these calls, we’re encouraged not to talk about the weather or sports or politics or religion. Instead, we talk honestly about our lives. From a worldwide phone list of 1,000’s of members, I can pick up the phone at any time of the day, call someone whom I’ve never met and jump right in to sharing about my life — or asking them about their life. With all of my social anxiety and fear of conversation, pushing that green button is a form service. I’m putting up my peace sign in the window to say, “Hi. This is Hal from Ohio. I’m just calling to connect.” And then we go from there — 100% improv. Every call is unique, but we share a language of recovery — concepts like gratitude, next-right-action and stay in the day. Every personality is individual, but we follow the guideline, “principles not personalities.” One imperfect call at a time, over time, I’ve built some close relationships with my fellow travelers— some of whom I’ve never met in person. In my isolated circumstances, the tool of the telephone is saving my life.

So, I’m curious. In what ways do you raise up that proverbial peace sign in your life? In what small ways are you (or are you not) creating peace in your home or in your world? Would you do me a favor? Next time you’re a passenger on the highway, put up a peace sign for me to the passing cars. Do it until you get one back. You can tell ‘em that Hal sent you.

Well, that wraps up episode 26. I’m so grateful that you read all the way to the end. Thank you so much. As always… enjoy living in that body of yours today. It’s not gonna be around for ever. I’ll do the same. I appreciate you and I love you. Hal