Hi. Welcome to Living in a Body. Click the PLAY button above to hear the podcast version of this publication.
Today's episode is different than usual. My usual vehicle for this publication is writing highly edited essays. I spend all week perfecting every line, every paragraph and every word till it feels just right coming out of my mouth. But this week is different. I have not had the strength or the health to write and to edit. So today, I'm just gonna wing it. I'm going to tell you this story off the top of my head. And I'm a little uncomfortable, this is definitely going outside of my comfort zone. I'm hoping that it flows out in a way that I can be satisfied with.
I've experienced a very challenging setback, or maybe possibly a progression of the illness in the last two weeks. I'm living with severe symptoms. I'm very uncomfortable all the time. I’m more bedridden than I was two weeks ago and on top of everything, I'm not sleeping. It seems that the sleep switch is not working. I get a little bit of dozing in the night, but mostly, I'm not sleeping. It's been kind of hellish living in this body. And there are times when I just don't know how I'm going to face this. How I’m gonna survive this. It’s so intense.
The piece is called the hard class. One of my favorite people to talk to on the phone is this guy, Daniel, in Santa Cruz. He's a part of my 12 STEP program. And he is just so smart. I love the things he says. Whenever we talk, I just often want to write down the things he says, because they're so helpful. Well, this week we were talking and I was telling him what was going on. After some conversation, he said, You got the hard class of life. And that's been really helpful for me to see, to think of my situation as God's classroom. You know, this is God's classroom, I got put in the hard class. Now what am I gonna do about it? Really, for me, it's either that or despair and giving up and, and thinking about how I can possibly escape this life. So I did do some writing this week on this. This is what I came up with. It's just a couple paragraphs. It didn't get edited fully. There's all kinds of changes I’d like to make, but I have been too ill to make those changes. I just had my cold shower, I've got the window open. It’s a beautiful day in Ohio. And I'm here to share this part of the story.
The Hard Class
It seems that I've been put into the hard class, God's AP class for spiritual development. I definitely didn't choose this class. But for some unknown reason, this is where I got placed. Believe me, I’d do anything to drop this class and transfer into an easier one. But I've come to understand that transferring is not an option. It's not the way this kind of schooling works. Whether or not I like it doesn't seem to make a difference. Whether or not I think I'm cut out for it is not a factor. This is the classroom I'm in and it's time to get busy learning. There's no recess, no spring break, no summer vacation. No two weeks off at Christmas, and no graduation. It's nonstop, 365 days a year of a very challenging curriculum. I'm grateful to my sister who assured me this morning that if there were grades, I'd definitely be getting an A.
ME/CFS, one of the lead teachers of the class is mean as mean can be. She's brutal, she's unkind and she abuses her students. She doesn't seem to care about my feelings. It's almost like she takes pleasure in making her students suffer. My classmates, hidden in darkened bedrooms all around the world are nowhere to be seen. It's easy to feel like I'm all alone in my studies. I hope that someday there will be great rewards for having lived through this particular kind of hell.
…And that's as far as I got. My writing coach Lindsey, asked me where I wanted this story to head. And I guess where it's heading is what I've already said. That this is really a helpful way for me to see my situation. This is the classroom of life. And I've been given a very challenging curriculum. And I have an amazing opportunity to grow along spiritual lines.
Right now I'm not crying. I feel like I have it together. But I want to express to you how fucking hard this class is. Maybe you have got a hard class too. Maybe some of you have a hard class, but the people I look at on Facebook who went on their vacations and they're out there on their gigs, traveling the world. That’s the class I want. The class that’s free of chronic illness. I am so jealous. That's what I want. I don't want this class. I don't want this illness. It's so hard. I want an easier life. I want an easier, softer life. I don't want to grow along spiritual lines. I just want to enjoy the things I enjoy. But I've been given this very challenging curriculum.
One of the biggest challenges is I'm not sleeping. I'm barely sleeping. Last night, I barely fell asleep the whole night. And I'm doing everything right. That's the one thing I'll celebrate is I'm taking damn good care of myself. I don't look at my phone at night. I get up. I read from the Big Book in the middle of the night just to change my thinking. At night I'm in this crazy pattern of obsessive circular thinking that doesn't make sense. Turning from one side to the other. Right around nine o'clock, my restless legs just take over and it's so uncomfortable. And then I wake up feeling like hell, I don't even wake up because I never went to sleep. Today, I probably dozed off around five o'clock in the morning.
Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful or not. I much prefer having a well thought out perfectly constructed essay to hand over to you. And at least have some tears or something. I guess I'm just not in the mood for crying right now. That's my essay. That's it. It's called “The Hard Class.” It's the class I'm in and I don't like it. But you know, here's what I need. I need some cheerleaders. If there's any way you can be a cheerleader for me. I need that. I often feel so alone. I have a lot of people in my life. Here. Let me tell you this one more story.
Chris Martin, the lead singer of Coldplay happens to be a friend of mine. Not really a friend, but we know each other and we've talked several times on the phone. He's a super amazing guy. So the other day in my great state of being distraught, I called Chris Martin. I got a text that said, “I'll call you back in five.” So Chris and I connected and I told him what was going on and he immediately went into “how can I help you mode?” And he said, “Here's what I can do. I'm going to connect you with my world renowned Breathing coach. And he's gonna give you some one on one lessons on breathing because these breathing exercises have transformed my life.” and then he said, “I'm also going to connect you with Bob Roth, the lead teacher of Transcendental Meditation. And he's going to find a local teacher to come to your house and teach you Transcendental Meditation.” So it's amazing having a friend in a position who can just make a few phone calls and make this happen.
The next day, Patrick McKeown, Chris Martin's breathing coach contacted me. And we've had a couple of breathing lessons by zoom since then. I like his approach. It's all about slowing my breathing down, teaching my brain that I'm safe. And it's been very helpful.
And yesterday, I got a call from Bob Roth, the lead teacher of Transcendental Meditation. He has connected me with a TM teacher who's coming to my house today, in about a half hour, and she's giving me my first lesson. You have to learn Transcendental Meditation in person. It's passed down one to one, one person to one person. And I'm getting ready for that lesson. I'm a little nervous that I'm going to have to sit up for an extended period of time, but I have a recliner that I can sit in during the lesson.
I guess, as I wrap up here, for some reason, I just want you to know how hard this is. I know everyone's got their hard shit. I don't know why that would help me for you to know how hard it is. I want you to know also that I need help. I need encouragement. I need encouragement to keep away from despair, to keep away from hopelessness, and keep thinking of this as a classroom, God's classroom that I've been given. And now I have this opportunity to grow. I'm very scared though. I'll let you know I'm very scared and I'm very uncomfortable. I feel kind of like I've been living through hell.
I think with that, I'm going to wrap it up. I wish that we could have a conversation or something I wish that I could connect with you even more closely, but thanks for listening. That's my Substack for this week, episode 67. I love you. Have a great Saturday and enjoy living in that body of yours. Really is not going to be around forever. Am I won't be either. So today is the day. Have a good day. Bye bye
The Hard Class