Hi. I’m Hal. I live in a body and this is “Living in a Body.” If you live in a body too, I’d like to welcome you here. To hear me narrate the story, click the play button. (14 minute listen) Thank you for your attention. I appreciate you. Hal
Two Weeks Off TikTok
I keep checking my phone in search of something and there’s nothing there.
Two weeks ago, I hit an emotional bottom. I’m going through a very painful break up caused by my own actions and then on top of that, without notice, my part-time caretaker announced that she quit. I’ve been living with moderately severe chronic illness and suddenly, I was alone in the house to fend for myself. The brevity of my caretaker’s email and the stark reality of my need for a caretaker really shook me. All those old fears of abandonment reared their ugly heads and I freaked out a little bit. I made a few phone calls to arrange for help and then it was time to take a long, hot bath.
On that Friday night, I was alone in the house and I filled the bath before bed. I lit a heart-shaped candle on the countertop and I poured scented salts into the steaming water. Then I got real honest with myself,
“Something needs to change, Hal. The way you’re living isn’t working anymore.” - Hal
Inspired by the heat, the candle, the salt and the grief, I made a decision. I would dive fully back into my 12-step program and I would take two weeks off TikTok and Instagram. You may know that needing to come back to a 12-step program isn’t a laughing matter, but you may chuckle at my resolve around social media. (See Stolen Quarters) Here’s the back story:
For more than two years, TikTok and Instagram have played a major role in how I define myself. On TikTok, I’m Banakula — “the Hal Walker of Music.” At 56 years old, with 1.6 million followers, I’m a TikTok success story. Creating content on an app where 30-somethings are the “old” generation, I beat the odds on that platform. Since January 2020, these apps have played a significant role in my creative life, my professional life and my personal life. TikTok and Instagram have catapulted my music career into a whole new dimension. In the last two years, I’ve tapped those icons hundreds of times, I’ve created at least a thousand videos, I’ve read thousands of comments and I’ve received millions of likes. In the bathtub on that Friday night, I decided to put ‘em both down — for two weeks.
Now I keep checking my phone in search of something and there’s nothing there. No texts from my partner, no notifications from TikTok, no IG stories and no instant messages. It’s just a painfully slow trickle of new subscriber notifications from Substack and the daily game of Wordle that I share with my sisters in a group text.
2019 was a good year for me. I discovered the Samson Dubina Table Tennis Academy, I rebuilt some old benches at my church, I cut down the Norwegian (see Bringing Down the Norwegian) and I downloaded TikTok.
It all started one afternoon in May. I was giving an assembly at Sacred Heart Elementary School in Akron and during the question and answer time, a fifth grader stood up and asked, “Are you on TikTok?” I’d heard of this phenomenon, but really I knew nothing about it. I said, “No.” Then her response caught my attention. She said, “You should be.” After the assembly, a group of fifth graders gathered around me in a pre-pandemic cluster and we agreed that I would go home, download the app and record my first TikTok video. My new friends guaranteed me a few likes, comments and follows and I left the school that afternoon with high hopes for instant success.
“I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in. I’ll never meet the ground.”
The fifth graders gave me those likes, comments and follows but the excitement died down pretty quickly. I set aside my big hopes for virality and I spent the next few months getting to know the “for you” page. The “for you” page on TikTok is the endless scroll of vertically oriented videos where the algorithm studies your preferences and TikTok takes over your brain. (see WSJ - TikTok Brain Explained) Every time I press the heart button or watch a video all the way through, “Big Sister” gets to know me just a little bit better. Over the next few months, swipe after swipe, I was lured into the most amazing talent show that has ever existed.
By the way, in case you didn’t know, talent shows are my specialty. It started at the Kent Presbyterian Church when the host of family talent night announced, “And Now 4th grader Hal Walker will perform Amazing Grace…on his hands.” Cupping my hands in the shape of a sweet potato, I blew into the space between my thumbs and created a beautiful cooing melody. Everyone in the audience was amazed and I went back to my seat looking forward to the next time. It turns out that I have a particular talent for performing amazing musical tricks that last for less than a minute. TikTok was the talent show that I’d been waiting for my whole life.
It wasn’t until January 1st of 2020 that I posted my second video. In under 15 seconds, I sang the ABC’s song through the twang of a jaw harp. Then on Jan. 7th, I sat down at my kitchen table and recorded a 15 second clip of me playing the banakulas and the harmonica simultaneously. By the end of the day, I was getting comments like this:
“Here before this blows up!” ~ “ceo of vibin” ~ “kinda fire though” ~ “protect this man at all costs!” ~ “this man deserves the hype” ~ “I talk for everyone when I say, WE WANT MORE!”
I was finally getting the attention that I have always craved. At 54 years old, I felt like I was in high school again and this time, I was the popular guy!
With this video, I was initiated into the world of going viral. I couldn’t believe the numbers that I was seeing. On Facebook, I’d get excited if a post got a hundred likes. This video was getting hundreds of likes every few minutes. I remember sharing with a friend in amazement that my video had been viewed 100,000 times since yesterday. I starting asking myself, “Am I TikTok famous?” Little did I know where this would all lead. In the month of December 2021 while I was living in the dark with severe ME/CFS, my TikTok videos were viewed 75 million times! The world-wide reach of TikTok is incomprehensible.
TikTok was smaller back before the pandemic. I felt a real sense of community on the app. I was meeting musicians from all around the world and I was inviting them to appear on my interview show, This Moment in Music. I dove into the collaboration potential on the app with gusto. I fell in love with the “duet” feature. My time on the “For You” page was spent seeking out musicians with whom I wanted to collaborate. As the world was shutting down with a global pandemic, I was waking up everyday with a fire to create. TikTok gave me an amazing platform to do that.
Over time though, something started to change. As more and more Hollywood stars and big name artists joined TikTok and as my following grew, I lost that feeling of community. My focus turned toward the numbers. I started to crave the dopamine hit I get when the red notification flag pops up in my inbox. But no matter how big the numbers were, they were never quite big enough. Lately, it’s been feeling kinda empty.
Today marks the end of my two weeks off TikTok. (and Instagram) To be honest, it’s been a pleasure. It’s such a relief not to have to think about creating something everyday. For the first time in two years, I’ve been making music in my home without even thinking about turning on the camera. Just the last night, I sat at the piano for an hour - alone in my house, no camera, no lighting, no notifications, no live streaming… just me and the music.
To tell you the truth, I’m not sure what I’m gonna do next. I could just let it all go. That seems crazy though. TikTok’s reach has given me some awesome earnings in a time when I haven’t been able to work. Also, I feel like I offer an important presence to my fanbase. (85% of which are young men between the ages of 16 and 24) I’m doing a service on TikTok and Instagram. I’m touching people’s lives, but at what cost. From experience I know that life in a 3x6 inch phone screen can get very small.
What I realize is that I need recovery. I need earth and sky and trees. I need connection. I need higher power. Maybe I’ll take another couple weeks off and keep talking about it with my sponsor. Or I’ll try to find some weighed and measured approach to the whole thing. I’ll be sure to let you know what happens.
In the meantime, please share “Living in a Body” with a friend so that I can get a few more notifications in my inbox. :) On Substack, I only get about 3 or 4 new subscribers every week, but somehow it’s more exciting than the 100’s I get every day on TikTok. Thank you for being here. Thank you for subscribing and for reading all the way to the end. Let’s keep it small and intimate and honest over here on this side of the internet. I hope you have a great Saturday. Keep loving that body of yours. Hal
Hang out with me on TikTok. (1.6M followers)
Grow with me on YouTube. (55k subscribers)
I haven’t figured out Twitter yet, but I’m there. (359 followers)
I stop by Facebook occasionally. (2.3k followers)
My website is super old but I’m hoping to revamp it soon.
Send me a postcard: P.O. Box 1043 Kent, Oh 44240
Start your own Substack! I’d be happy to help you get started.
Finally, Text me: 330-625-5168
Two Weeks Off TikTok