Hi. I’m Hal and this is Living in a Body. Please click the play button above to listen to the podcast version of this publication. It includes original music! Feel free to leave your R-Z gratitude list in the comments!
Alphabet of Gratitude: Part Three
I struggled with the gratitude list this week. I haven't been feeling particularly grateful. With the onset of winter, I've been experiencing so much fear and sadness. I find the combination of cold, gray skies and living alone with chronic illness to be brutal at times. This whole alphabet idea started as a tool for my recovery, but as is my tendency, I turned it into a literary work for Substack. At times, I got so caught up in the syntax of the sentences that I lost the spirit of gratitude in the list. But there's something to be said for not giving up. I kept writing. I noticed it was the action of throwing words onto the page and speaking them out loud that pulled me back to giving thanks. I'm so grateful to you for reading my alphabet of gratitude. Here's part three:
R for Rest
The unfortunate reality of living with ME/CFS is that there's no known cause and no known cure. One of the only known strategies for dealing with the symptoms is rest. For a non-stop, go-get-'em guy like me, that's not such an easy task. But I'm grateful to have discovered an approach that works… when I'm willing to do it. In the world of chronic illness, they call it "pacing." I call it the "weighed and measured" approach to rest.
The weighed and measured approach uses a timer to cut the day into 12 minute chunks. I start by setting the clock for 12 minutes. During that time, I rest -- a deep kind of rest. I lie on my stomach, I close my eyes, I breathe and I practice resting. When the timer goes off, there's a brief transition from my "rest bed" to my "work bed," and then I set the timer again. This time, I’ll do 15 or 20 minutes of quiet activity. It may be writing, it may be a phone call or it may be balancing my budget. But when the timer goes off, whether I want to or not, I head back to the rest bed for 12 more minutes of rest. On the more challenging days, this approach makes facing the hours more manageable. Today, I'm grateful for weighed and measured rest.
S for Sobriety
The first time that I ever heard the word "addict," I knew that I was one. The signs were all there -- the self-centeredness, the lying, cheating and stealing, the physical cravings, the mental obsession and the way I lived two separate lives - the public life that I showed the world and the hidden life where I was all alone in a car looking for a fix. At times in my life, certain substances and behaviors had me by the throat and I couldn't get free. Today, I'm grateful to be an addict in recovery. One day at a time, I'm practicing a life of abstinence, gratitude and service.
It's been almost a year since I've smoked marijuana. It's been about eight years since I've drunk alcohol, consumed caffeine, eaten sugar, eaten flour or looked at pornography. Today, I no longer hurt myself with these substances and behaviors. I truly hope that I’m done creating wreckage of the past in addiction. I'm certainly no saint and it doesn't solve all my problems, but I sure am grateful to be sober. I'm glad for the connections I’m making and for the awarenesses that keep showing themselves as I face life directly in this recovery.
T for Tea
This afternoon, I brewed myself a nice pot of hot tea. Today, I'm drinking "Twig ‘n Berries" which is a concoction of herbs blended up by my friend Pete at Pete's Organic Tea. Apparently this combination of lemongrass, couch grass, elderberry and gokshura is good for the health of the prostate. At 56, my prostate needs all the help that it can get.
During the Summer, it's easy for me to forgot about hot tea. I mainly drink water. But today, it's cold, dark and cloudy. With a hot cup of tea in my hand, I'm loving the warmth, the scent and the earthy taste of this tea. I’m glad I bought that French press a couple years ago and I'm glad to have found a couple bags of Pete's herb blends in the cupboard. Today, I'm grateful for tea. It's such a caring thing that I can do for myself in these difficult wintery times.
U for Unitarian-Universalists
On Jan 21st of 2023, the UU Church of Kent will be holding a celebration to signify an end to my 25 years of service as the music director of the church. My heart is broken. I'd always imagined myself growing old as the music director of that church. It's a big loss, but I'm grateful for the good work that I've had for all these years. I realize that not everyone gets to love their job as much as I loved mine. To be honest, it rarely felt like a job. It was more of a lifestyle. It was like being a part of a family and my task was to inspire the family to make good music. The UU Church of Kent and I were a good fit. I hope you'll join us in Kent on January 21st.
But it's interesting. Even after 25 years, I'm still resistant to calling myself a Unitarian-Universalist. In typical UU fashion, I don't join groups easily. I don't take on labels lightly. But when I think of all the good UU's with whom I've crossed paths over the years, my heart softens and I'm grateful. I remember in 2005 when Rev. Melissa Carvill Zeimer came to be the minister of our church. I so admired her way of thinking and her way of being that I came to a realization. If Melissa can call herself a UU, then maybe I can do it too. It was about that time that my friend Margot and I wrote a great song called "Unitarian-Universalist." One of my favorite lines goes, "I know this is my church (eternal talkin' about) these are all my people. (Our voices singing and shoutin')" It's a great song. You should listen to it. I’m grateful for the Unitarian-Universalists in my life.
V for Voice
Ok. I admit it. I like the sound of my own voice. To be honest, I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how much I like it. It's just so smooth and silky. In all the steps of putting this publication together, my voice plays such an important role. When I'm writing, I talk out loud to myself the whole time. I'll read a paragraph over and over again until it sounds just right coming out of my mouth. I love putting the finishing touches on a piece by reading it into the microphone. I think it must be my background in songwriting that makes the spoken word such an important part of the writing process.
I don't think about it that often, but what a miracle it is to have a voice. It's so amazing the way that the brain, the breath, the tongue, the teeth, the jaw, the vocal cords and the mouth cavity all work together to create a unique voice. When schoolchildren used to ask me what my favorite musical instrument is, I would usually reply, "the voice." I’m so grateful to have a voice.
W for Wheelchair
I'm a part-time wheelchair user. At the bottom of my steps, after a ride down on the chair lift, when I need it, my blue electric "Falcon" wheelchair awaits me. I'm grateful for the way this chair gets me around the house.
I often eat my meals sitting at the dining room table in my wheelchair. Sometimes when I've taken a big bite to chew, I'll take a quick spin to the living room and back just for the fun of it. A couple months ago, I installed a cargo carrier and a hitch on the back of my Toyota Prius. Now I can easily fold up the chair and carry it with me wherever I go. When Mango was here, he built a wheelchair ramp off the back porch. I'm so grateful for my wheelchair.
X for Xylophone
Somewhere along the road, a six note xylophone came into my life. The six notes include a pentatonic scale which means that it's impossible to play a wrong note. All the notes sound good together. It's got a satisfying, hollow, woody sound. If you're listening to the audio version of this episode, you've been hearing it the whole time. The ringtone that I use on my phone is a ringtone that I made with this xylophone. It's such a good ringtone. I should sell it to Apple and make a million dollars.
I was interested to learn today that in Ancient Greek, xúlon means 'wood', and phōnḗ means sound. So Xylophone literally means "the sound of wood." I'm grateful for my xylophone.
Y for Youth
Age is wierd. I'm 56 years old, I'm living with the emotional development of a 25 year old in a body that feels like an 80 year old and I look about 42. Someone reminded me the other day that today I'm younger than I will ever again be in my entire life. On this very day, I am living in my youth. This is it. I sure didn't expect youth to feel like this, but the reality is I'm younger than I'll be tomorrow... or the next day. The only day to enjoy my youth is today. Today, I can get to know myself a little better, I can be my own best friend and I can know that I am enough. So everybody, go out there and enjoy your youth. We're not getting any younger.
Zzzz for Sleep
I used to procrastinate going to sleep as long as I could. For some reason, I was afraid to put the day to rest. I'd watch one more show, or check one more email or have one more bowl of cereal. Today. I love bedtime. Right around 9:00, I’m ready for the day to be done.
Since the worsening of this illness in 2021, sleep has become a bit of challenge. Fortunately, I'm able to fall asleep pretty quickly but every night I wake up at either 1:30, 2:30, 3:30 or 4:30 in the morning. If it's earlier than 4:30, I take a half dose of Zzzquil. It’s the clear kind that's free of high fructose corn syrup and alcohol. Essentially, I'm taking about 20 mg of Diphenhydramine. It puts me back into a weird kind of sleep and I'm able to wake up again at 6:30 to start the day. I don't love having to rely on the ZzzQuil, but last night at three o’clock in the morning, I was mighty grateful to have it as an option.
On that note, I wish you all a good night. I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you so much for being here and supporting me in this project. Now that I’ve finished the Alphabet of Gratitude, I'm planning soon to take a break from producing these episodes. I’m starting to work on a big writing project. I can't wait to tell you what it is. In the meantime, enjoy living in that body of yours. I’ll try to do the same. Wherever you are in the world, I hope you have a great Saturday. Enjoy. ❤️ Hal
Alphabet of Gratitude, Part Three