Well, I am sorry that you feel alone in your battle. Time to look around you and notice how hard so many are helping to support and care for you. Remember that you are loved. That is what life is all about. Loving and being loved. Embrace what is, not what isn't.
Once you stop recording for us to listen. And you rest back into the quiet- the good quiet, not the fear, the quiet where you do not crave anything and life is good, you are the hole in the donut. Otherwise the busi-ness is all donut. We are both the donut and the hole. Most people miss the part of themselves that wants for nothing because they are stuck in the donut.
There is the mythical creature called the uroboros, a dragon or snake eating its own tail. A good image for how we go round and round the hole without knowing it is there all the time.
I love your music Hal and your SubStack. We are all holes in the doughnut, part of the great mystery, the all, connected with each other, the universe. Being human is not easy, but we have been given our experiences, all of them and we are able to share them with others. Thanks for sharing yours. My UU small group is going to read and discuss “The Art of Dying Well” by Katie Butler. We just lost a beloved member of the group. She was 90 and one of her last acts was to go vote with us on the first day of early voting. She was an amazing person,but actively tried to stay out of the limelight, a true hole in the doughnut.
I follow the Tao and it helps keep my ego in check. One verse I like,
Ch 11 “Thirty spokes join in one hub
In its emptiness, there is the function of a vehicle
Mix clay to create a container
In its emptiness, there is the function of a container
Cut open doors and windows to create a room
In its emptiness, there is the function of a room
Therefore, that which exists is used to create benefit
That which is empty is used to create functionality “
Hal, tell your doc you have anxiety. It’s ridiculous that you can’t get Ativan. I get a benzo for low level anxiety that hits me 1-2x a year. No questions asked.
Another alternative, if you’ve got the funds: my functional medicine doc Leo Galland MD sees people virtually and he is a wealth of knowledge but also willing to try any treatment that might help.
Your post really got me thinking about the parallels between the "hole in the donut" and non-theism. I’ve been reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, and one of the things that’s resonated with me is how non-theism is about being at peace with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment. It’s not about reaching for something outside of us to protect ourselves, like hope for a better future, more validation, or change in circumstances. It’s about sitting with the suffering, not running from it or numbing it with distractions.
The idea that hope can actually be a source of suffering has been eye-opening for me. As I’ve been navigating some challenges with my family, I’ve realized how much my escape has been rooted in hope for something to change—hoping for cures, hoping for relief. But in doing so, I’ve missed being truly present in the moment, truly in the "donut hole" with my loved ones and with life itself.
I think the donut hole is life. It's both the good and the bad, the joy and the suffering. We can wish for cures, for better days ahead, but in the end, all we really have is this moment, with all its complexities. And maybe that's enough. Maybe peace comes from embracing it, instead of always trying to fix it or escape it.
Thanks for sparking this reflection, Hal. It’s helping me make sense of things as I continue on this journey.
You are a talented writer Hal, and I love learning more and more about you. The openness of your sharing is inspiring to all who read it I feel sure. This being a human isn't easy and I think you share that eloquently and powerfully in a myriad of ways. Your writing is always surprising me and I love that. It isn't always comfortable but good writing is about feeling comfortable.
I feel like it is okay to be the donut. Donut is part of what is, and is actually just part of the path taking us to the hole.
I have found being a donut, while holding the constant awareness that I am being a donut, a really powerful tool for my own transformation and journey to the hole. To really be close to every feeling and thought, and just watch it all unfolding as an observer, with compassion for the one who thinks it needs to donut is a doorway to freedom. I learn wonderful things about how I am trapped and seek escape from watching myself donut everyday.
The truth is we are all the hole, pretending we are the donut.
First, Hal, hearing you on the disappointments and fear and thinking of you in that.
Second, not sure on the quote but my thought was on letting everything pass through (but I also took this as the literal hole left in the doughnut, not the mini dessert made up of what was removed). That was how I interpreted it… a very zen thought.
Oh Hal… thank you for sharing all of this. As someone else with a condition that is considered rare, and thus far the treatments over the last four years haven’t had any lasting effects, my heart goes out to you. Medicine is still an art that lags behind what our bodies are doing.
I was just reading about Ativan, and what it does (decreases anxiety by increasing the GABA).
I want to let you know that you can buy GABA over the counter at any health food store, and most likely really cheaply in Amazon. And? Be VERY careful with it. A tiny bit helps, but too much can cause an anxiety explosion in your body. It’s a fine line. I don’t know if it can have the same response for your body as Ativan does, but it’s worth a try.
I also am wondering if Baclofen (a muscle relaxer prescribed for MS) would help? It is specifically designed to relax muscles in the shoulder area, and is one of the only things that helps me. Using the in store insurance discount for this saves me more than using my Medicare part D insurance. It’s not expensive. (Thank goodness)
And? If these ideas feel like just more blah blah blah, then please ignore. I’m a fairly new subscriber, and haven’t read everything you’ve tried.
Well, I am sorry that you feel alone in your battle. Time to look around you and notice how hard so many are helping to support and care for you. Remember that you are loved. That is what life is all about. Loving and being loved. Embrace what is, not what isn't.
I hear you, Annette. I am truly blessed. I may see you at meeting this morning with Julie. Hopefully…
Once you stop recording for us to listen. And you rest back into the quiet- the good quiet, not the fear, the quiet where you do not crave anything and life is good, you are the hole in the donut. Otherwise the busi-ness is all donut. We are both the donut and the hole. Most people miss the part of themselves that wants for nothing because they are stuck in the donut.
There is the mythical creature called the uroboros, a dragon or snake eating its own tail. A good image for how we go round and round the hole without knowing it is there all the time.
I love your music Hal and your SubStack. We are all holes in the doughnut, part of the great mystery, the all, connected with each other, the universe. Being human is not easy, but we have been given our experiences, all of them and we are able to share them with others. Thanks for sharing yours. My UU small group is going to read and discuss “The Art of Dying Well” by Katie Butler. We just lost a beloved member of the group. She was 90 and one of her last acts was to go vote with us on the first day of early voting. She was an amazing person,but actively tried to stay out of the limelight, a true hole in the doughnut.
I follow the Tao and it helps keep my ego in check. One verse I like,
Ch 11 “Thirty spokes join in one hub
In its emptiness, there is the function of a vehicle
Mix clay to create a container
In its emptiness, there is the function of a container
Cut open doors and windows to create a room
In its emptiness, there is the function of a room
Therefore, that which exists is used to create benefit
That which is empty is used to create functionality “
Reading the Tao Te Ching helps me find balance.
https://taoism.net/tao-te-ching-online-translation/
Love this chapter of the Tao te Ching
Hal, tell your doc you have anxiety. It’s ridiculous that you can’t get Ativan. I get a benzo for low level anxiety that hits me 1-2x a year. No questions asked.
Another alternative, if you’ve got the funds: my functional medicine doc Leo Galland MD sees people virtually and he is a wealth of knowledge but also willing to try any treatment that might help.
Hey Hal,
Your post really got me thinking about the parallels between the "hole in the donut" and non-theism. I’ve been reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, and one of the things that’s resonated with me is how non-theism is about being at peace with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment. It’s not about reaching for something outside of us to protect ourselves, like hope for a better future, more validation, or change in circumstances. It’s about sitting with the suffering, not running from it or numbing it with distractions.
The idea that hope can actually be a source of suffering has been eye-opening for me. As I’ve been navigating some challenges with my family, I’ve realized how much my escape has been rooted in hope for something to change—hoping for cures, hoping for relief. But in doing so, I’ve missed being truly present in the moment, truly in the "donut hole" with my loved ones and with life itself.
I think the donut hole is life. It's both the good and the bad, the joy and the suffering. We can wish for cures, for better days ahead, but in the end, all we really have is this moment, with all its complexities. And maybe that's enough. Maybe peace comes from embracing it, instead of always trying to fix it or escape it.
Thanks for sparking this reflection, Hal. It’s helping me make sense of things as I continue on this journey.
Diana McNeill
Toronto
You are a talented writer Hal, and I love learning more and more about you. The openness of your sharing is inspiring to all who read it I feel sure. This being a human isn't easy and I think you share that eloquently and powerfully in a myriad of ways. Your writing is always surprising me and I love that. It isn't always comfortable but good writing is about feeling comfortable.
I feel like it is okay to be the donut. Donut is part of what is, and is actually just part of the path taking us to the hole.
I have found being a donut, while holding the constant awareness that I am being a donut, a really powerful tool for my own transformation and journey to the hole. To really be close to every feeling and thought, and just watch it all unfolding as an observer, with compassion for the one who thinks it needs to donut is a doorway to freedom. I learn wonderful things about how I am trapped and seek escape from watching myself donut everyday.
The truth is we are all the hole, pretending we are the donut.
❤️
*good writing ISN'T about being comfortable! Typo!!
First, Hal, hearing you on the disappointments and fear and thinking of you in that.
Second, not sure on the quote but my thought was on letting everything pass through (but I also took this as the literal hole left in the doughnut, not the mini dessert made up of what was removed). That was how I interpreted it… a very zen thought.
Oh Hal… thank you for sharing all of this. As someone else with a condition that is considered rare, and thus far the treatments over the last four years haven’t had any lasting effects, my heart goes out to you. Medicine is still an art that lags behind what our bodies are doing.
I was just reading about Ativan, and what it does (decreases anxiety by increasing the GABA).
I want to let you know that you can buy GABA over the counter at any health food store, and most likely really cheaply in Amazon. And? Be VERY careful with it. A tiny bit helps, but too much can cause an anxiety explosion in your body. It’s a fine line. I don’t know if it can have the same response for your body as Ativan does, but it’s worth a try.
I also am wondering if Baclofen (a muscle relaxer prescribed for MS) would help? It is specifically designed to relax muscles in the shoulder area, and is one of the only things that helps me. Using the in store insurance discount for this saves me more than using my Medicare part D insurance. It’s not expensive. (Thank goodness)
And? If these ideas feel like just more blah blah blah, then please ignore. I’m a fairly new subscriber, and haven’t read everything you’ve tried.