The "How Are You" Dilemma

Episode 27 -- A Bona Fide Rant

Hal Walker

Aug 13, 2022

Hi. I’m Hal. Today’s episode is a bona fide rant and it’s best experienced through audio. Please click the “Listen Now” button above. Also, I’d love it if you’d share this episode with one person. I’m so grateful that you’re here. Enjoy.

The “How Are You” Dilemma

If you’ve been following my posts here at “Living in a Body,” you’ll know that I never rant — 26 episodes and not a single rant. I don’t know about you, but in my thinking, this makes it my prerogative to do one full-fledged, all-out, gut-spilling rant. So… Here’s my warning. This is gonna be a rant. This is gonna be me letting loose on you with a whole bunch ‘o words. It’ll be me getting up and out all that pent up frustration from 26 rant-free episodes. It’ll be a no-holds-barred, straight-out, unadulterated, no ands, ifs or buts about it, bona fide rant. And just in case you don’t know what a rant is:

rant
/rant/ verb — to speak or shout at length in a wild, impassioned way.
"she was still ranting on about the unfairness of it all"

Ready? Here we go.

You know what, gosh dang it? I am done with the whole “How are you” business. I’m so done with it and I think you should be done with it too. As a greeting, “how are you” misses the mark. It’s a direct insult to my complexity as a human being. On so many levels, the question is just lacking. And just in case you can’t figure it out for yourself, let me spell it out for you. Lemme dissect this so you understand just exactly what I’m talking about here.

Here’s my problem. I pick up my phone several times a day and I am immediately confronted with an abrupt “Hal, How are you?” It comes at me so chipper, so fast — no smooth transition — just BAM! “Hal, How are you?” No matter how many times it happens, it touches my sensitive nervous system in the same grating way. Depending on how well I know the person, I respond either silently or aloud with, “wrong question!” After the initial impact, it always takes me a few seconds to get grounded — to get back to the state I was before that “how are you” happened.

First of all. what exactly do you mean? “How are you?” Are you looking for a rating on a scale from one to ten? In that case, “I’m a four. Thank you. Next question.” Are you asking me to make a judgement of my current life circumstances — good, bad or somewhere in between? In that case, “I’m somewhere in between. Next question.” And to what time scale are you referring? This moment? Well in that case, “Five minutes ago, I was a four and now that you asked me that question, I’m a two!” Are you getting my drift here? There’s got to be a better question.

Even worse than “How are you” is when you go into a Zoom meeting and the first person to speak says, “How is everybody?” How is everybody!? You gotta be kidding me. We’re in a room of 20 people. Do we all say “fine” now at the same time? Or are we gonna go around the circle and rate our lives on a scale of one to ten again. In that case, “I’m a one, because I can’t stand that you just asked us to answer that question all at the same time. C’mon now.” Have a little respect for the complicated ones among us.

You wanna know how I am? “I’m fine. How are you?”

The story that I have to tell of my wellness is a complex one. In any one day, on the spectrum of “how I am,” I go all across the board. For the most part, I’m of sound mind and strong spirit. Fundamentally, all is well. Today, I have the will to live and the capacity to love. I’m sober and I’m abstinent from my drugs of choice. At times to my own detriment, my brain is a monstrosity of creative energy. My bowel system is running smooth and healthy. At 158 lbs, I’m at a good steady weight. Earlier today, I got a compliment on my haircut and that felt good. Each day, I enjoy a few fun, quiet laughs with myself in my float tank. I’m grieving the loss of my life as a musician. I’m grieving the loss of my love relationship of the last seven years. With the intensification of my ME/CFS symptoms, my psoriasis is practically all cleared up. On a regular basis, my physical/emotional experience feels like more than I can bear. One day at a time, I keep bearing it. I have a beautiful circle of people who love and care about me. I have 145k followers on Instagram which means less and less to me these days. I have 41 paid subscribers on substack to whom I’m very grateful. And thanks to your contributions to the GoFundMe, I have money in the bank. Oh, and by the way, I’m living with moderately severe ME/CFS, an illness that receives almost no funding and is rated the lowest quality of life of all the major illnesses.

See what I’m saying? “How are you?” just isn’t the right question. A complicated guy like me can get overwhelmed with all the options of how to respond. In my humble opinion, it’s a flawed social construct.

Just so you know, this isn’t the first time that I’ve rebelled against a mainstream social practice. I remember in the early 2000’s, I was on a mission to end applause at my concerts. I was full of insecurity and I was self-conscious of the obligatory nature of applause. In all my audaciousness, I invited the audience to break free from the restraints of the social norm and to express themselves in their own unique way after each musical number. Whether it was to rub their hands, to raise their arms, to shout out loud or to remain silent, the audience was no longer required to behave like a clapping herd of seals. It didn’t go over well. The results were awkward. All they wanted to do was to express their appreciation. My invitation for creative freedom was unwanted and unnecessary. Since then, I’ve learned to appreciate the sound and the release of an audience’s applause.

So… what’s the solution? How are we gonna fix this “how are you” dilemma? Could it be that I’m the problem? Could it be that “how are you” is just a way of opening the door into deeper sharing? Probably so. But I’m not done here yet. There’s got to be a better opening.

I have a friend that asks, “what’s alive in you?” I like that, but I don’t see it catching on. One of my favorites is just to have silence until someone is moved to speak. But I’m afraid it’s a bit too much like taking the applause away from an audience — too much uncertainty for the general population. How about “who are you?” I know it’s totally esoteric and a bit confusing, but I think it would be good for our culture — constantly asking each other “who are you?.” I often ask people, “so, what’s going on in your world?” I’m quite happy with the open ended-ness of that question but again, I don’t see it catching on.

Maybe shining a light on the problem is my main job here — just opening the conversation. Maybe it’s not a problem. Maybe it just feels good to rant about something. I’m interested in your thoughts on the topic. Let’s get a heated debate going in the comments. I know it’s a charged topic, so go easy on each other.

I really appreciate you giving me your attention today. I appreciate that you read all the way to the end to this rant. I enjoyed ranting for a few minutes. I promise I won’t make it a habit. By the way… How are you? No, really. How are you for real? I love you. Hal