17 Comments
author

From my friend David --

Hey, Hal. I get where you're coming from with the pushback against casual “How are you” greetings, especially when they’re insincere. I prefer “How’s it going for you?” because in my case it seems to open the door to conversation more often. Down here in NC the response is often “I’m fine. Hope you are.”

It seems trite—and maybe it is—but I’ve come to like that response expression and use it myself sometimes. Among strangers it’s somehow soothing to me, inclusive, opening the door to a short, friendly conversation. People almost always leave that exchange with a smile.

But I also understand at least a little bit your personal perspective on this topic. How can you even begin to answer “How are you?” when you’re physically and mentally exhausted after spending an entire night trying to blot out deafening tinnitus, terrified it’ll never end, crying your guts out and eventually sharing 15 minutes of sobbing with a suicide hotline operator.

But for me— not going through this particular hell myself—I still can’t paint “How are you?” greetings with such an overwhelmingly negative brush. It all goes back to the many times I’ve judged a book by its cover and been badly mistaken. I’ve found that not everyone who asks that question would be disarmed, insulted or simply nonplussed by a sincere answer that mightn’t be cheery or even easy to hear. I’m no saint, but I have made it a habit to personally prepare myself for someone seizing on my How’s it going for you? greeting —especially among friends—as an invitation to share something painful or worrisome for them. That scenario has played itself out many times in my life and I’m glad to be there for someone who needs comfort. The initial question may be clunky, rote, etc., but it can be a gateway to something good.

But all this comes with a caveat: if you really don’t give shit how someone is doing, then don’t ask. I wish we (societally) cared more about each other. Engaging on even this tiny level of How are you? has the potential to move the ball forward even if just a little bit.

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

Good morning, Hal (& all!)

I loved your rant. I have had similar thoughts many different times. I’ve come to believe that “how are you” is really just an extension of the first part of the greeting. And just saying “hi” is probably too succinct for most of us.

Most people ask “how are you” but don’t really want you to answer the question. They want you to say “fine” or something equally benign and affirming. To respond otherwise would require an actual attempt at connection, and often folks don’t want to commit to getting involved. I think we congratulate ourselves because we took a minute to check in with someone. But let’s not be haughty about that. Perhaps, before we call/greet, we should ask ourselves if we are prepared to handle the reply to “how are you?”. If not, we shouldn’t inquire.

I do like “what’s happening in your world?”

Or just…”I’m thinking of you “

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

I always wish to start a conversation with you by saying “I miss you” I miss singing with you, laughing with you, hearing your stories in person. I’m so glad you are still on this earth and are a warrior in this fight for better health. I’m saddened by your not being able to create as you are sooo creative. From my heart to yours: I love you and send you healing thoughts always! Evelyn

Expand full comment

I'm with you. That question makes me freeze as much as being asked 'are you happy?'.

I stopped asking 'how are you?' in 1995 when my hospice volunteer coordinator taught the stress it can cause to families. my big sister was so sick for my whole childhood, that i immediately understood this lesson. i have since added 'what do you do?' to the list of never asks. that makes three.

Thanks for the food for thought, Hal. I love you. Betsy

Expand full comment

Hi Hal!

I’m a new subscriber, and I enjoyed listening to your rant. You have such a soothing voice, and your laugh is infectious!

I dislike the obligatory “How are you?” “Fine.” that has become a standard greeting. I personally love the idea of “what’s alive in you?” Ultimately it’s about connection. Do you really want to know someone? Or do you just want to check a box?

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022·edited Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

Hi Hal, This has been a sticky issue for me for years as well. It got to the pt where I asked certain friends, and I tried explaining, that "how are you" just doesn't help me. There are a couple of articles/blogs written by chronically ill people (which I'll try to find later) that explain why "how are you?" is just not helpful. How I approach this: answer truthfully if I have the energy & depending on the relationship. During the past 2 1/2 years I've been very blunt about the effects of extreme isolation and how difficult that's been with ME. I understand the "jolt" of a text or email like that. Usually when that happens for me, I feel everything in my brain shut down...imagine a movie with a space ship when suddenly all the power goes out and they're just drifting.... I sometimes try to remember to answer with what I'm doing at the moment instead of a feeling. I've asked some friends to ask me "What are you doing right now" instead of "HAY?". Some remember, but often not. Also, my friends and I are getting older, so I think it's easier to forget my requests...because usually their lives are full of more "normal" behaviors which are deeply established neuro-linguistic patterns, hard to change. "HAY?" is easier for me to answer on a video call. Can the person see my head shake a bit while I'm rolling my eyes? Body language can answer this quickly IMO.

I also miss music. Somehow the ME has gotten worse in the past year+ that I can't get enough umpf to play the piano at all. (B4 pandemic I could play a few minutes a day if at a solid baseline. It could be the vax has upped some OI/POTS or my body could be slowing down more possibly related to menopause-fatigue). I used to sing a lot pre-ME, that was my main instrument for much of my life. I got rid of my 12 string last year b/c it just became too heavy to even lift up. I'd like to get a travel size guitar w/nylon strings to try. Maybe some day.

You expressed the dilemma of "HAY?" very well.

Finally, I once suggested to someone when they saw me that we use Aloha instead. This "HAY?" was when I would be sitting in a therapists' office. A well meaning inquiry, but a bit confounding.

Aloha.

Expand full comment
Aug 16, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

Hi Hal—

By the time I read your (mild) rant, there were already 16 comments, so I read them before making my own.

It seems that the “How are you?” Greeting is peculiar to English. The Germans ask:”Wie geht es mit ihnen?” (How goes it with you?) usually shortened to Wie gent’s? That opens the door to a short answer that says something, e. g. “Oh, we’re having the house re-stuccoed. We had to cut back all the bushes to give the crew room to work.” This actually says something , and leaves room for further conversation if desired. In Icelandic, “Hvad segir thu godt?” Means more or less “What good do you say?” That’s about as open- ended as you can get. In China they greet each other with a phrase that translates as: “Have you eaten?” A real question in a food-insecure society.

I think “How goes it?” works well in English. But you can’t really stop someone else from asking: “How are you?” I usually just answer “Fine,” and go on, knowing they don’t actually care.

Expand full comment

Greeting in person someone I know “Good to see you” seems to work quite well. I gues “good to hear your voice “ could work for the phone. IMO your bill thoughtful meandering we’re way to gentle to count as a rant. So you still have one left if needed.

Thank you as ever for your openness and vulnerability. Love to you

Expand full comment
Aug 14, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

I also do not love “how are you?” I generally answer something like “doing great in this moment” to honor the intent of the question. My housemate asks me how I am every morning, which is a question I don’t want to answer first thing, because I want to answer authentically and the answer is complex. I have asked her not to and she still does it. When I actually have time and desire to engage, I ask something like “what’s something going well in your world?” If not, I go with “hey what’s up?” Or “hey how’s it going?” Which seems more of an extended greeting than an engagement of a conversation.

Expand full comment
Aug 14, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

I totally get this and struggle with this. My anxiety of stepping on people's hurt often prevents me from asking any question. So I'll just say it's nice to see you. But that seems to fall short of inviting conversation and connection. So I'm still working on it. And I guess I'm willing to risk the oops to find the ahhhs. :)

Expand full comment

I sometimes ask “how’s tricks” - is that okay? Love you too!! ♥️♥️♥️

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

I like “What’s up?” Of course one can reflexively just answer “Not much”, or one could tell a bit of a story about what IS up. I have made peace with “How are you”, but right after my little baby died, and I cried all day every day, I would kind of lurk through life just waiting for somebody to ask me that. If they did, I would let them have it, and then watch THEM cry. Mean, I know, but let’s face it, crazy people can be mean. Now that the crazy is no longer in charge, I don’t need to punish people for asking. But I respond better to “What’s up?” Especially if they put “doc” after it. 😉

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

Hi Hal,

Thanks for this. It's good to learn and I'll make a point of remembering.

I enjoyed the pictures as well. Your faces (😆) and the sunflowers. *chef's kiss*

Expand full comment
Aug 13, 2022Liked by Hal Walker

Even your rants sound calm and soothing! 😅 I have to say I’d be a fan of losing the how are you and how was your holiday social constructs. Everyone knows the stock answer is I’m fine even when we might be anything but and ok or good, how was yours or how are you… and yet I’m conditioned to often ask those I know when I pass someone in the hallway at work or in a public place. I think I tend to avoid asking when I sense things are bad unless I ask how are you doing maybe… but idk if that seems just as insensitive to not open that box. Thanks for the rant. I’m glad you’re not storing that in the body. We’re sending love, love, love.

Oh, and we had a drone hover at the beach so we gave them a peace sign this last week. Can’t be sure if we got one back. 😁✌🏻

Expand full comment