Hi. I’m Hal. Welcome to Living in a Body. This episode was produced with the intention of being consumed as a podcast. I hope you’ll click the PLAY button above to listen. You’ll find the full transcription below. Enjoy. H
The Money Situation
I want to talk about money, but I'm scared. I keep thinking, “You can't say that, Hal. You can't tell them that.” I want to talk about my relationship with money and my sordid history with money, but then I think, “nah. Hal, why do you want to talk about that?” I'm asking myself that question and I'm not sure why. What is it that drives me to come on here and tell all my personal business? What is this obsessive need I have? Is it some sort of compulsion to confess? I'm not sure what it is. But I'm a storyteller, and I have a good story to tell. It has to do with money and my relationship to money. And my story is the only thing I know. So I'm here to tell it. What do I got to lose? You know, I'm laying here in bed 23 hours a day, contemplating my existence. So I'm here to tell you a story. I hope it can be helpful. I hope maybe, maybe it will help somebody. In the 12 Step Recovery tradition, it's all about telling our story. We tell our story so that we can help somebody else. So, I have my story. Maybe you can glean something off of it. And I hope it's useful.
The whole topic got started when I purchased two new devices, two devices that have improved the quality of my life. I'm excited about both these devices. I can't wait to tell you about ‘em. And it made me think about money. It's a long story. Here we go.
As young people in my family, we always had a joke. My dad would come to us with a serious look on his face and say, “Son, how's the money situation?” My dad loved to talk about the money situation. That's what I'm here to talk about today — the money situation.
I think this part of the story kind of begins on May 1, 2020. I was doing well on TikTok. I had introduced the worldwide TikTok community to the melodious khaen, the grandmother of the harmonica from Southeast Asia. And I was in my living room. I needed another video. You know, I was posting every day and I was running out of ideas. It was late afternoon and the sun was shining in my west-facing antique windows with a glow on the wall. And I picked up the E minor khaen and I played a little melody. And it lasted about 40 seconds. And that performance changed my life. That actual recording of that 40 seconds led to me becoming a world famous khaen player, creating two hit singles. One of them you can find on Spotify. It's called Midnight Sun. It has 48 million listens. And the other is Banakula @ Meh. It has like 18 million listens. That means since those songs went up on Spotify, I've been getting paid every month. And as I have been laying in bed mostly bed bound, unable to work, brutally terrorized by this illness myalgic encephalomyelitis, I've made more income in the last two years than I've ever made in that period of time for my whole life. And I can't tell you what a blessing that is. The timing couldn't have been better. These songs came out then this guy, @llusion remixed one and made it the song of TikTok 2020 And then this guy @ramzoid remixed another version and it became the song of Instagram 2021 and it has had a profound impact on my life in a big way financially.
The other big financial game-changer was in the fall of 2021. I had a significant downturn of health. You know I was going strong in 2020, I was having one of the best years of my life. In 2021 I started having downturns and then I had a big downturn. Around August, I had this really, really bad crash that brought me to a deeper state of illness. And I called my old friend David Ford. And the first thing out of his mouth was, “Hal, I'm coming there. I'm gonna come up there. This weekend, I'll be there.” This old friend from college, dropped everything, and drove from Winston Salem, North Carolina, all the way to Ohio to help me out. He drove up here and he stayed with me for a week. He cleaned out my basement. You know, he helped me around the house. He gave me moral support. He laid in bed with me one night while I was in the grips of a crash. And he came up with an idea to have a fundraising concert. And he pulled together a team to make it happen an they created a hugely successful GoFundMe fundraiser concert. All for me. It was amazing. It was wildly successful.
So all of a sudden, I had all this money. And at the time, I had a full time caregiver that was incredibly, unbelievably expensive. We didn't know then what care costs, so we got the first guy we could find and Arnel was a wonderful caregiver and charging $2,100 a week. I had it figured out in my head. Well, at this much a week, the GoFundMe, gave me about 50 weeks of caregiving and that thought was rather sickening, because I know how fast 50 weeks goes by.
But then I started feeling a little better. And we let go of Arnelle and had part time helpers that were much less expensive. And I had all this money. And I discovered the joy of interest. I put this money in interest earning accounts. You know, I sought out high interest accounts. I bought a couple I-bonds. And I found the highest earning interest over at CapitalOne Bank and put my money in the interest accounts and I started watching that money grow. And I started hoarding money. I realize that I had become a money hoarder. I don't know what my capacity to earn in the future is going to be, so I started putting that money away and loving watching that interest grow every month.
Okay, let me just pause. I'm just starting to feel a little uncomfortable here. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, but it's leading to something. It's leading to something important. So stick with me. I'm just going to keep going. Let's keep going. Let's trust the process. All right, here we go.
So I have this bunch of money in savings. And about four months ago, my health started. Week after week, every week I was in a deeper state of illness. I've had a traumatic four months, it's been terrifying. You know, there's no other word for it, it's been terrifying and traumatic and devastating. And I am left bed bound, mostly bed bound. very ill with no prognosis, needing a wheelchair to get from this room to the bathroom and spending most of the day in bed feeling quite ill. I wanted so badly to hold on to my independence. But at some point it became very clear I needed a caregiver. So we reached out to someone and I've been paying him weekly.
And after being this money hoarder the saver of money. It's very difficult for me to let go of that money even though it was given to me for this purpose, for the purpose of my care. It's been very difficult to let go of it. I had the idea of this money going to my daughter and my daughter's children for their college and leaving a financial legacy behind. But today I need a caregiver I have this blessing of a man. Anytime I need anything, I pick up this walkie talkie sitting by my bedside, and call his name. And he comes, he comes and helps me in whatever I need help with. He's totally managing the household. He calls it tending the compound.
But this week he’s been out of town and I'm grateful that I've experienced some independence again, and I like it. So I'm not sure what the future holds with me and caregiving. But I prefer to stay in the day and today I'm grateful that I'm able to pay my kitchen manager named Leah, I'm able to pay my caregiver. I'm very grateful.
So this is the part where I confess to you how I used to be with money. Here we go. You know, I never had a wife or a budget to hold me back. If I had the money when I wanted something, I would buy it. When I wanted the musical instrument, it would get in my mind, and I had to have it, like that harpejji and that harp, and that African mbira, and all those other things, and there was nothing holding me back. And I would usually push the button, or hand over the card and get this thing into my life. And therefore I have a whole attic full of stuff. I have a whole house full of musical instruments that I'm unable to play today. And I'm very sad about it. I'm sad about the part that I spent so much money and collected so many instruments. And I'm sad about the part that I'm unable to use them today. So anyway, I have this history of compulsive buying where it was just like, Yep, I want that. I'm going to get it, bam, I've got it. And lately with this sponsor I have in my program, I'm really looking at this impulse of mine, and I have a new agreement with my sponsor. When I want to buy something. I first talk with him about it. And his response is “Hal, if it's a good idea today, it'll be a good idea in a week. If it's a good idea today, it'll still be a good idea in two weeks.” So we'll use the PAUSE factor. And from what I hear, God is in the PAUSE, P.A.U.S.E. is Pause Action Until Serenity Enters. So I don't want to be making a purchase that is out of the excitement of needing something or finding out about something or wanting something. I want to make my decisions from a place of quiet and peace and pause.
So for a while I was researching this device called the FreeWrite. As you may know, I'm hypersensitive to screens. After spending years looking at my phone way too much, I no longer look at my phone, for even a moment, it's too risky. And I no longer use my laptop for writing. Again, I'm doing whatever I can do to avoid any further crashes. My brain cannot handle the movement or the light of a screen, it’s caused crashes over and over again, these surges of adrenaline, each one bringing me to a deeper state of illness.
So I was looking at this FreeWrite. And I thought that this might be the thing that brings writing back into my life. It has an e-ink screen. And it's very lightweight, it could sit by my bedside at a pound and a half. I could pick it up throughout the day. And I could type. Because the first 75 episodes I wrote on my laptop, on my MacBook Pro. And that was suddenly off limits to me. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I brought it to my sponsor. And he said, “if it's a good idea today, it'll be a good idea in a week.” So we talked about it in a week. And then we talked about it in a couple of weeks. And my sponsor and I agreed that it made sense to give this purchase a try. And I bought it and it came a couple days later. And I love this thing. The FreeWrite Traveller.
It is so satisfying. The keyboard is so fun to type on. I feel like I'm literally slapping the words down. Thankfully back in 2021, I learned to touch type. I spent a couple months going through those exercises. After years of hunting and pecking. I finally learned to type and today I'm so grateful because I pick up my FreeWrite Traveller, and I just start slapping those keys, and it feels so good. And the words appear on this really comfortable screen. This comfortable small screen, it only fits about one paragraph. You can't really do editing, like I can't be moving paragraphs around. But it's for creating drafts. And it all goes up into the cloud. And I'm writing about 3000 words a day on this thing. It sits by my bedside, it's light enough that I can just pick it up real quick and my fingers start flying, throwing words, slapping words down. It's got a very satisfying sound to it. The keyboard has a very satisfying feeling I highly recommend it. If you're looking for distraction free writing. Here, let me play a little bit over the microphone. (Sound of Typing)
Okay, that was fake typing. I'm not that fast of a typer. But I am getting fast thanks to the FreeWrite.
So that was a great purchase I feel really good about. It has improved the quality of my life. Those are the kinds of purchases that I want to make. With the help of my sponsor, this was an abstinent purchase. And it was the PAUSE that made the difference. The real challenge will be using the FreeWriteto write a full episode on Substack. That's coming soon, I hope.
Then the next purchase I made (thanks to the fact that I have some money in the bank) was a second wheelchair. I have a wheelchair downstairs, I have a stair glide for going up the stairs. And I needed a second wheelchair on the second floor. So I ended up going with the Matrix Ultra carbon fiber wheelchair. It's lightweight, it's foldable. It goes around the little tight curves and my upstairs really nicely. When I first got it, I was like “Oh, I don't know, this one feels different than my Falcon. I don't know if I like it.” But once I got it upstairs and rode it a little bit, it's a little more upright. It's lighter weight, just a little smaller, it fits through the doors easier. And it was a great purchase. And it was the same thing with my sponsor. You know, if it's a good idea today, it'll be a good idea in a week. And we PAUSEd. We PAUSEd for a couple of weeks, and then I pushed the button and it came two days later, in a big carton already assembled.
So I have these two new devices in my life that are adding to the quality of my life. I'm very grateful. Every Monday I fork over a big chunk of money to my caregiver. And that money was given to me for this purpose. So I just gotta let it go and I gotta be grateful. You know, I still can consider how much care do I need?
That's basically what I wanted to say today. I went to a new doctor, Dr. Waikman in Akron, and I loved it. I liked them a lot. We had a nice conversation. I feel like he listened to me. He asked some good questions. He kept saying, “What questions do you have?” I feel like he's someone that I could build a relationship with. And I've been missing that, a local doctor that I really feel close to. And he gave me the attention that I needed and has some ideas.
But I've been in pretty rough shape. I'm down to 145 pounds, I usually weigh 160. So I've lost weight. My legs look like the legs of my dad when he was dying of cancer. My arms have no muscle tone. They're just skinny little arms. I look in the mirror at 145 pounds, and I'm just very, very skinny. Maybe I'll take a picture and show you. And today my ears are ringing super loud. I am often panting with breath. I'm just in a lot of discomfort.
But the good news is I have not crashed in three weeks. Three weeks from today was my last crash. I've learned my boundaries and I'm staying within them. I'm not looking at the screens. I don't even give myself the option to glance at a text. This is coming from a guy that used to look at his phone 100 times a day. I'm sure God has a plan. I am learning how to live a life without constantly checking my phone. Without constantly checking my email, without constantly checking TikTok or Instagram. It's a slower way of life. This is the slow life and from what I understand, slower is usually better.
So dad, the money situation is not bad. I'm learning a lot, learning how to build some interest, learning how to let go of the money for things that are important. And I remember your phrase, I'll never forget it. “Money is shit,” you always said. I'd give it all away for just 20% better health. Alright, dad. Thanks for asking. I love you.
So I really appreciate you listening. I've gone on and on. I hope it all made some sense. What's the moral of the story? The moral of the story is…to be honest, I'm not sure what the moral of the story is. I bet it has something to do with gratitude and humility. It wasn't me that got me into this privileged position of owning two wheelchairs and a stair glide. It wasn't me that put this money in my bank earning interest. It was a force much greater than me. It was a whole community of people that showed up when I needed it. I realize there are so many people living with this illness that don't have the support that I have, the privilege that I have and the funding that I have. So I've got a lot of work to do in the humility department, and also in the gratitude department.
But then on a more practical note, if you have a history of impulsive buying, like I do, I needed to get help. You know, it's helped me so much to have a sponsor, someone who cares for my best interest, guiding me and helping me make decisions around money and all kinds of life matters. Enjoy money, enjoy how you can use it for the betterment of your life and others lives. But don't hold on to it with a grip hold. (lol) This is coming from a guy who has just a few weeks of experience with this new way of life. I'm brand new to all these things I'm saying, but here I am sharing my little story with you in hopes that it might help. And remember that acronym PAUSE, Pause Action Until Serenity Enters. That's been helpful for me.
Anyway, leave a comment, tell me about your relationship with money. Thanks for listening. I appreciate you. And I love you. I miss seeing you. Keep praying for me. I'll pray for you. I really do. I pray for people at night. I get down on my knees and I think about people and I say God, give them all the gifts. Sheesh, have a good time. Thanks for listening. Bye. ❤️
The Money Situation