Hi. Please press the PLAY button above to hear the intended PODCAST version of this episode. Find the full transcript below. Thanks for being here! Hal
The Way Opens
There's a Quaker phrase that says, “the way opens.” I love that phrase. The way. The way will open. It's a beautiful idea, this idea of “the way.” Just watch what happens. What will be, will be. Que será, será… and “the way” will open. Yep, my job is just to be available, be present — to be present for the way to open.
One interesting thing about this illness that I live with, ME/CFS, myalgic encephalomyelitis, also known as chronic fatigue syndrome. One of the defining characteristics of this illness is how many doors it closes, how many things it takes away. With ME/CFS, most of the time, the way doesn’t seem to open. We’re too sick. We’re too exhausted.
But in my thinking today, the way always opens. You know, It's not my way. My way doesn't always open, but “the way” opens, in unexpected and sometimes undesirable ways. The way opens and we eventually all die and the way keeps opening. I love that idea, “the way opens.” I like thinking about God that way. God is the way — the way, the path, the unfolding. The way opens. I see the way opening for me all over the place. It just keeps opening. I keep waking up and the way keeps opening. The way opens, yes… as long as I’m willing to see it that way.
But one big way it didn't open is on my trip to England. In case you were wondering, I'm not in England right now. Nope. For a variety of reasons, I wasn't able to get on the flight on Sunday night for my lie down seat to London to meet my long distance partner Emma for the very first time. In fact, today marks our one year anniversary of meeting on Substack. Yeah, we're a Substack couple, a long distance Substack couple. We met on Substack one year ago, exactly.
In fact, maybe I'll even post the message that we sent to each other. I said, this was on September 18, 2024, just so you know, Emma lives with the same illness that I have, ME/CFS, and she's mostly housebound, living in Warwickshire County, England. I said, “Emma, thanks so much for subscribing and commenting. I'd love to hear more of your story. I'm so interested in connecting with people that are taking a spiritual approach to this illness. I’m having a really rough day and a rough week and it's hard to see any other side of this thing. All the best. No pressure to respond. Hal.” And on the very next day, Emma responded, “Good morning. Hal, I'm so glad that you reached out in messages. I felt I wanted to connect with you this way, too.” Her message closes like this. “There is another way. Have faith that your journey has purpose and meaning beyond what your mind is telling you. Em.” There it is — the way. “Have faith that your journey has purpose beyond what your mind is telling you.” That's everything I needed to know to know that I liked this person and I wanted to know more. We've been talking practically every day ever since — on FaceTime, Zoom and WhatsApp, mainly — getting to know each other long distance, with an ocean between us.
Anyway, this was our one-year anniversary today of having met and I'm supposed to be in England, but I'm not there. The way didn't open. I'm still here in Ohio on South Chestnut Street. I guess a different way opened, because the way always opens. I can't wait to see what happens next. So I'm gonna tell you a little bit of a story of how the way didn't open and my significant role in that kerfuffle of the way not opening.
I bought a ticket several months ago to England. I bought the super expensive lie down ticket, the overnight flight from Pittsburgh to London — non-stop, lie down, super expensive, non-refundable. And I invited my good friend Annette to be my traveling companion. And the vision began.
It was a beautiful vision. It was a dream. It was a fantastical journey in my mind, in all our minds — Emma, me, Annette, all my friends that I told about it. We were counting the days and the weeks until the trip. We couldn't wait. We were gonna be staying in this really cool Airbnb in rural Warwickshire County called “the Pig Barn,” a converted pig barn, which is now a super nice cottage. And I bought a special puzzle and I bought a couple games and I bought a couple real nice, sweet, new outfits, British-inspired. I was looking good to meet my young, English, super hot, 45 year old, long distance girlfriend — for the first time. I was feeling fresh and I was having some better days, a whole bunch of ‘em.
Against all odds, this trip really seemed like it was gonna happen. Coming from 2024, the year of crashes, the year of decline, the year of needing a caregiver, being mostly bed bound. I sort of leveled out this summer and it seemed like traveling was a real possibility. I couldn't wait to sit in the same room with Emma and see what it was like.
The dream was unfolding. We were just three weeks away. We went from counting the weeks to counting the days. Finally, after a whole year, Emma and I were gonna be able to spend some time getting to know each other in person, face to face, the real human stuff, no more screens, real bodies, real touch, real sight. The way was opening.
And then… you see, all along I had this passport ID. It was a passport card. My passport booklet was expired, but I had this card in my wallet and it said “passport card” and it didn't expire until 2027. And I kept looking at that passport card and saying, “you know, Hal, you should check into this. You should make sure this card is okay.” But it didn't ever occur to me that it might not be. I mean, it says in big letters on the thing, “Passport Card.” That's got to be a passport. It's got to be what I need. The thought I was having was “passport cards are the new way. They don't use passport books anymore. Now it's just passport cards. This is the new generation.” But I procrastinated looking into this. I kept looking at that card, thinking, “you know, Hal, you should look into this.” But I didn't. I'm really embarrassed to admit this. I'm so humbled.
Well, just a few weeks ago, just about three weeks before the trip, I applied for my ETA, my “electronic transit authorization” to enter England and they would not accept the picture of my passport card. And I started getting frustrated. Over and over, I was sending a perfectly focused picture of my card. So I thought maybe I need a scan. But my scanner is broken, so I went all over town looking for a scanner, somebody to scan this passport card. I finally got a scan, but the scan didn't work either. Then I started getting real nervous. Anyway… they kept not accepting it.
And then, I told Emma about it. She said, “Hal, you need a passport booklet.” I said, “What? I need a passport booklet?” “Yeah, you need a passport booklet to get into England. You can't do it with a passport card.” And I was like, “Oh, shit.” So right away I started freaking out, looking into how I was gonna get a passport in the next three weeks. And pretty quickly, I found out the only way to get a passport in the next three weeks is to do the urgent passport process. It's possible, but there's a lot of uncertainty involved.
It means, within two weeks of your trip, you gotta call the passport hotline in hopes of getting an appointment that week. Then you gotta travel to the nearest passport office in Detroit, Michigan, in hopes that they'll be able to give you a passport on that day. Believe me, I know the whole process. I know all about it. (lol) I learned everything. I learned everything… and the way still didn't open.
So that Tuesday morning after Labor Day, I called the passport hotline. I got myself an appointment for Friday. I was gonna have Cameron drive me up to Detroit, and I was hopefully going to be getting myself a passport. And then, guess what happened next?
It was Tuesday night and I started having symptoms in my body that felt like a crash coming on. I can't even describe it. I don't know what to say about it. It's just a weird, adrenaline, wired feeling — this scary feeling like some poison is poured into my body. Ears ringing and I couldn't sleep all night. And I woke up on Wednesday morning, very ill, bed bound, breathing heavy, heart palpitating, heart racing, all kinds of crazy symptoms — scary, crazy symptoms. And I had two days until I was supposed to travel to Detroit.
Now that doesn't sound like a very big deal, but when you're having the symptoms I was, just leaving the bed, just going downstairs to the kitchen is a big deal. I was in a full-fledged crash and I had no idea how long it was gonna last. And my mind starts taking over. “Oh, shit, this is my new normal.” I start getting filled with fear, like, “What did I do? What did I do to make this happen? And is this going to be my new normal? Am I ever going to get back to the way it was? How did I overdo it? What's taken over my body?”
And I knew if I didn't make that trip to the passport office in Detroit, I wasn't going to England. And I think it was that Thursday night, I made the decision. I called Annette, and I said, “Annette, I can't do it. I can't get to Detroit tomorrow.” And the dream came to an end. We pulled the plug and we canceled the trip. Then over the weekend, I started feeling a little better, and I was like, “Oh shit, I was feeling better.” And I was like, I canceled the trip, Annette forfeited her ticket. I canceled the Airbnb. But then I started questioning it. I was thinking, “maybe if the way opens, I can still go on this trip, even though Annette’s not going, even though I still don't have a passport, even though I don't have the Airbnb, I still have a plane ticket on Sunday night, and maybe the way will open.”
So on that Monday morning, one week before the trip, once again, I called the passport office and made another appointment for Detroit. Yep, made another appointment for Detroit — that Thursday, three days before the flight, I was gonna travel to Detroit and hopefully get myself a passport. I was just gonna see if “the way” opened. So the story goes on, checking to see if “the way” opens. And as you can see, the way did not open. I'm still in Ohio. Thanks to a doctor's note, I have one year to use the credit with British Air. So let's hope within the next year, the way opens.
Of course, we know the way will open. We just don't know what way. Hopefully it'll be my way, the way I want. Yeah, I want MY way to open.
So that's the whole story, everybody. I'm tired. I gotta wrap it up. That's the gist of the story. The gist is “the way” did not open. But the fact is, “the way” always opens. You know, what's going to happen next? I can't wait to see.
I spent this week drawing. I spent this week getting into sacred geometry. I bought myself a drawing compass and a straight edge. I've turned my dining room table into an art studio. And I took a little picture of it before cleaning up. It's a mess. I've been spending my days surrounded with watercolors and colored pencils and water soluble crayons and Micron pens. Yep, the way keeps opening in unexpected ways. I mean, two weeks ago, I'd never even heard of sacred geometry. Now I'm obsessed. That's all I want to do. I’m looking forward to sharing more of that with you and other things as well.
The way keeps opening. You know, keep an eye out. How is the way opening for you in unexpected ways. That's what I want — to keep an eye out. Like, here's the way. The way is now. The way is opening. Can't wait to see how it opens next. You know, when one door closes, another one opens.
But all that aside, it was a huge disappointment losing this trip. I had so many pictures of the way it was gonna be. Yep, the way it was gonna be, but the way didn't open. I'm really humbled and embarrassed about this whole passport debacle. It didn't need to be that way. I'm very sorry to Emma and to Annette and Emma's mom and everyone that was so excited for this trip to happen. Everyone's hopes were so high. So I'm doing the normal process of getting a passport now so I can be ready for the trip when it happens.
The way opens.
All right, that's it. That's it. I'm wrapping it up. Hey, thanks so much. Thanks for listening. Thanks for paying attention. Hey! Enjoy living in that body of yours. It's not gonna be around forever. Take advantage of it today. Do what you can, breathe. Breathe, love, feel. Take care of yourself, all right? Thank you. Bye, bye.
