Where Are the Men?

Living in a Body

Where Are the Men?

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Where Are the Men?

Episode 66 -- Wednesday Nights on Hal's Porch

Hal Walker

Sep 09, 2023

Hi. Welcome to Living in a Body. Thank you being here! I hope you’ll click the PLAY button above to hear the podcast version of this publication. (14 min) And please feel free to share this episode with a friend!

Where Are the Men?

I've spent my life surrounded by women. Growing up with three sisters, I was the only boy. I'm grateful for the role that Julie, Johanna and KK have played in shaping my life, but I never got to find out what it would be like to have a brother. I've often wondered. I was left on my own to figure out how to be a boy. As a young adult, I often felt alone in figuring out how to be a man. Today, I’m grateful to have a handful of good men in my life to help me navigate that continuing process.

I'm fascinated by the fact that most of the groups with which I'm involved are predominantly women. My writer's group, The London Writer's Salon is mostly women. My 12 step program is mostly women. The ME/CFS community is mostly women. My church community is mostly women. The commenters on my Substack are mostly women. Every yoga class I've ever been to is mostly women. All my girlfriends have been women and my daughter is a woman. Sometimes, I find myself asking, "Where are the men?"

That was the question in my mind last January when I called up a couple friends with the hopes of starting a men's group. Chris and David were both enthusiastic about the idea, so we went in search of a few more guys. That week, I went outside of my comfort zone and I called up several acquaintances who I thought might appreciate something like this. The very next Wednesday, on February 1st, with six men present, we had our first official gathering. Except for a couple weeks off, we've met every Wednesday night since. Together, these men and I have created a beautiful structure that has allowed for deep connection and friendship. I don't know about you, but I'm hungry for that kind of thing. In fact, I'm dying for it.

I'll never forget the first time that I experienced structure in a social/community setting. It was 1989 and I was spending the summer as a camp counselor at a Quaker camp in Vermont called Farm and Wilderness. Every week, we'd begin our staff meetings with a personal check-in. We sat quietly in a circle and we took turns sharing about our lives. As a young introvert with a lifelong fear of conversation, I craved that format. For the first time in my life, I had a space where I could tell my story without interruption. Speaking my truth and hearing others speak theirs, I was so grateful to go beyond the level of small talk that I had dreaded my whole life. Ever since that summer, with a yearning in my heart to connect, I've sought out this kind of structure in group settings. For me, structure provides the freedom to be vulnerable and to go deeper.

In case you didn't know it, I have the best front porch on South Chestnut Street. It's a wide, cozy porch that offers shelter and privacy while at the same time giving a great view of the quiet street life. At 6:30 on Wednesdays, I don't have to do a thing. I finish up my dinner, I put the dishes in the sink and then the guys start showing up on my doorstep. I provide water from the tap, a downstairs bathroom and a candle. And that's it. These men circling up on my porch is the highlight of my week.

Over time, we've become like a loving brotherhood. We look forward to seeing other, we laugh with each other and we greet each other with big, strong manly hugs. I love to use the word "brother" when I'm welcoming one of these guys onto my porch. After the initial greeting, we sit in a circle and then we light a candle. That's the first part of the format -- lighting the candle. It signifies leaving the day behind and entering into the circle.

Then, one of the men will lead us in something we call "grounding." He'll offer a few calming sentences to bring the group into the present moment. I love the way each one of these guys has his own way of leading this part of the evening. Each week, the words are improvised and personal. It brings a dimension of creativity and shared leadership that I find very refreshing . I look forward to leading the grounding and I look forward to being led. It's different every time.

Then we set a timer and ring a bell to begin the practice of "presencing." I learned it from my sister, Johanna and she learned it from a guy in Boulder named Scott. Presencing is a group exploration of the present moment. We take turns sharing our experience of the moment aloud. As honestly as possible, when it's my turn, I share what I'm seeing, what I'm feeling, what I'm hearing, what I'm thinking and how I'm responding to the other members in the group. Offering me their warm presence and their quiet eyes, everyone else in the group is my witness. As the sharing goes around the circle, it's like a spiral dance of presence emanating from the candle. Week after week, this practice opens my heart and I find myself getting free of loneliness. I become part of something bigger than my self.

As a group, we've been presencing for seven months now and it's been awesome. I'm so grateful that each one of these guys is so committed to exploring this unique practice. I've found presencing to be a great way to break through the ice that builds up between us during the course of a week. It warms up the space, it gets us looking into each other's eyes and it invites a wonderful atmosphere of openness. The men in the group all agree that we don't get enough of this kind of connection in our daily lives.

After presencing, we sing a song that I wrote. It's our theme song. Sometimes we'll pass around instruments for everyone to play and sometimes we just sing it a cappella. Last week, we added some enthusiastic knee slapping and some poly-rhythmical hand clapping. I loved it when one of the guys broke into some improvised spoken word verses. I told him he ought'a write those words down so we could all rap them in unison someday. The song's called "Be Yourself" and it goes like this.

Be yourself.
No one else but you.
Shine your light.
Let your true self shine through.

After the song, we go into what we call "storytime." This is the time when we tell a story from our lives. It could be from today, this week or 20 years ago. From the heart, we practice telling the truth. Every story is different and there's no time limit. Last night, I told a story about finding God at the Quaker meeting last Sunday. Maybe I'll tell you that story another time. During storytime, in a listening circle of men, week after week, I get to share the stories of my life. Then, I get to listen to other men tell their stories. To be honest, that's the more challenging part for me. As I may have shared with you before, I'm a terrible listener. My attention span is about the length of a TikTok video. But, during storytime, I sit quietly and I practice paying attention. I care about these guys and whether I’m listening or not, I love storytime.

After each man shares his story, we have a brief time called "the rebuttal." This is when we ask questions or respond in some way to the story. Just so you know, the name "rebuttal" is a joke. We're all clear that nothing is being rebutted. I appreciate the word though. It makes me laugh every time I say it. We've found that this time of response requires great skill and care. It can easily go wrong. We've discussed how important it is to let the other man's story be their story without trying to fix anything. I'm grateful that the container of our group has survived well through a few minor uncomfortable moments. As I write about it now, I can't wait to hear the stories next Wednesday.

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At nine o’clock, about two and a half hours from when we started, we're ready to wrap up the evening. The final part of the format is fairly new. We just started it last week, but I love it. It's called the "blessing." Each man offers a personal blessing to another man in the group. This is a sacred act of one man wishing another man well. I've found the blessing to be so touching and I'm really glad that we discovered it.

Then we blow out the candle and say our goodbyes. After a few good hugs, we head our separate ways. I head into the kitchen to plan my food for the next day. Sometimes, on my way upstairs, I'll notice a few guys still hanging out on the sidewalk talking. Every Wednesday, I go up to my bed feeling well blessed and well connected.

So, I asked the question, "Where are the Men?" and then I took some action. I gathered a group of men around me and I haven't regretted it for a minute. If you're a man and you weren't one of the guys that I reached out to last January, please don't take it personally. Our initial vision was to keep it small. We couldn't invite everyone that would have liked to. Today, I offer this structure for you to use in your own life. Go for it! Do what we did. Invite a few people that you barely know to come to your house every week. Explain the concept of "presencing" and "storytime" and see what what happens next. I look forward to hearing all about it.

Thank you so much for being here. I'm so grateful for this platform and for your attention. As always, Enjoy living in that body of yours. Savor every moment. It's not gonna be around forever. I’m sending blessings your way… and wishing you the very best. I’ll see you next time. Hal