Living in a Body
Living in a Body
The Blank Page
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The Blank Page

Episode 28 - What Next?
24

Hi! I’m Hal. I wish a warm welcome to all the new subscribers. I’m honored that you’re here. Feel free to spread the word. Enjoy.

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The Blank Page

As I'm sure you know by now, I'm housebound and mostly bedridden. Within the last year, Myalgic Ensephalomyelitis has turned my life upside-down. But just so you know, the illness hasn't taken my spirit. One day at a time, I keep showing up to the blank page and I never get bored.

I live most of the day in my adjustable bed. For a variety of reasons, I don't own a TV, I don't listen to music and I don't read books. I feel unwell most of the time, but I don't watch Netflix, I don't scroll on TikTok and I don't listen to podcasts. I rarely leave the house, but I never get bored. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm lonely and sometimes I'm scared, but I never get bored.

Here's what I do all day. I rest. I talk on the phone. I "work" a 12 step program. I attend the London Writers Hour. I eat. I float. I visit my garden. And I create. As a matter of fact, creativity is saving my life these days. Even when my ears are ringing and my body is fighting, the creative spirit keeps flowing. The blank page of the day keeps getting filled up.

The pandemic was good training for the stay-in-bed life of chronic illness. In March of 2020, I was suddenly given the freedom to stay home in my pajamas and to create. For a creative introvert like myself, this was a dream come true. I had no idea that I'd been waiting my whole life for a pandemic to come along. While COVID ravaged communities around the world, I was one of the lucky ones. The luxury of staying home allowed me to free parts of myself that had never seen the light of day. I dove whole heartedly into learning new systems for making things.


All set up for live streaming

The lockdown happened on March 19, 2020. Needing to provide music for my church's Zoom service on the following Sunday, my first project was to turn my living room into a video production studio. As a one man operation, I jumped into a self-guided speed course in lighting, video, audio and green screens. Needing to keep the church choir alive, my second project was to figure out how to create a virtual choir. After a few attempts, the nearly 500-step process started to flow naturally.

I joined TikTok right before the TikTok revolution of 2020. By March, my profile (@banakula) was gaining real momentum. I began a practice of creating and posting at least one music video everyday. Having procrastinated for years putting my music out into the world, Tiktok made it possible to record and distribute original music with the tap of a few buttons on my phone. Within minutes, thousands of new listeners were hearing my compositions for the first time. Day after day, I loved the challenge and the discipline of coming up with a new idea for another TikTok.

I discovered the "duet" feature on the app and started collaborating with musicians all over the world. With this new exposure to great musicians, I was inspired to create a musical conversation show on YouTube called, This Moment in Music. Full of early pandemic gusto, I streamed the live show three times a week from my living room. Once that show got off the ground, I created another called "Sunday Sings." Every Sunday night, I was leading an online sing along complete with lyrics displayed on the screen. Creating the system for presenting live music and lyric pages with smooth transitions was an intense process of making constant adjustments. After lots of trial and error, by March of 2021, Sunday Sings was really starting to flow.


84 episodes for your viewing pleasure

By this time, I had produced 84 episodes of This Moment in Music. As the show matured, I settled into a more sustainable once a week schedule that I felt I could grow old with. I was confident that the supply of guest musicians from TikTok would never run dry. But it was during that month of April that I noticed the first signs of worsening symptoms. I got a sore throat that hung around way too long. For the next 10 months, I experienced a steady decline in my health. Week after week, I was rendered more helpless and more in need of care. The creative projects of 2020 were put on hold. As I lay there afraid and in the dark, the blank page was taunting me from my abandoned music office.

My life was turning upside down. When I had the energy, I documented some of my experience with extended written posts on Facebook. I'd be floating in my float tank and out of the silence and the dark, an idea would emerge. In the midst of great physical and emotional turmoil, I couldn't hold in the urge to create. Two hundred words turned into a thousand words. I soon realized that Facebook was no longer the right platform for my writing.



28 weeks ago, I started posting these stories from my life on Substack. On January 15, 2022, I launched "Living in a Body." The first 27 episodes came without too much difficulty. The easy stories have mostly been written. In many cases, the episodes wrote themselves. Lying in my bed or floating in the tank, a few sentences would appear and then the rest just poured out.

At week 28, I find myself facing the blank page again and I'm not sure where to go next. What if I run out of ideas? What if the stories have all been told? I guess this is where the rubber hits the road. Publications that are successful keep going. They don't give up after 28 episodes. I guess it's time for me to dig deeper, to take more risks and to get more honest. It’s probably time to let go of trying to please the audience and just keep writing the truth.

There's one episode that I've been trying to write called "Dark Night of the Soul." It's a painful one and it'll probably take a lot more than 1500 words. As a matter of fact, it might be a 3 part series. It's so difficult to write but I know that it needs to be written. It occurs to me that once it's written I may never put it out in the world. But who knows what insight will emerge from the mysterious process of facing the blank page and writing it down. I'm willing to keep showing up as long as my body allows.


I use an app called iA Writer. It’s got a great full screen mode.

Thank you so much for coming along for the ride with me. I wonder. What's the blank page that you're facing? What needs to come out. I'd love to hear about it.

I'm gonna close today with a song, “The World is Waiting.” My lungs are very weak, so it's gonna be quiet. This is the song that I used to close all 84 episodes of This Moment in Music. It's a good one. Enjoy.

You've got a light, a light inside you
Go on your way in peace
So shine that light, the light inside you
Go on your way in peace
The world is waiting in the hope of another day
She will carry you safely through the stumbles and the falls on your way
Just remember that I'm loving you and you're loving me
So as you go won't you go on your way now in peace

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Follow me on Instagram. (151k followers)
Hang out with me on TikTok. (1.9M followers)
Grow with me on YouTube. (61k subscribers)
I haven’t figured out Twitter yet, but I’m there. (354 followers)
I stop by Facebook occasionally. (5.3k followers)
My website is super old but I’m hoping to revamp it someday.
Send me a postcard: P.O. Box 1043 Kent, Oh 44240
Finally, start your own Substack! I’d be happy to help you get started.



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Living in a Body
Living in a Body
Hal Walker, Ohio musician and writer living with severe ME/CFS, weaves music, stories and community from his bed.
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